AH, YES, 2011...........

My cousin, Melinda, forwarded me the email below. 
I have never made an email into a blog post,
but this was just too good to pass up.


My 2012 gift to you................heehee

As we prepare to depart the year 2011 and progress into the critical year 2012, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
                                              
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.                                                           

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I cant touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . . 

Was that fun?? 
Bet'cha grinned.......heehee


LOVE YA!! Jan

IT'S WORTH RE-TELLING. . .OH, YEAH, THIS IS FUNNY! . . .POOR BAXTER. . .

I originally posted this "Poor Baxter" story below earlier this year. But my sister, Jean, emailed me about this picture of Baxter I had sent to her *and others* several days ago. She had never seen a picture of Baxter before and just thought he was the cutest thing.
Well, when I realized that she had never seen a picture of Baxter, I realized that she has not been keeping up with my blog as well as she should *which will be reflected this Christmas* so I sent her the POOR BAXTER story.
Then I re-read it because I've had a hard day and I knew it would make me laugh.
Oh, my gosh, I died - all over again - it's still funny. SO funny!
I decided that I needed to re-post it.
I know some of y'all could use a good gut wrenching laugh - so here it is, for the second time, POOR BAXTER:

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

POOR BAXTER
*disclaimer: this story is a lot like the short stories I used to write in the past......a bit of sick humor........if you have a love of animals that is so strong that it would not allow you to see the humor in a story entitled "Poor Baxter" knowing that Baxter is a family pet, a dog, then don't read this.If however you can appreciate me laughing until my stomach hurt and I couldn't breathe, read on and enjoy yourself......

*do not look at the pictures yet.....first read this:

We own a dog named Baxter.
He was found running around the Office Max parking lot in Kerrville in the middle of the summer about three years ago and a friend picked him up because he had no collar, no tags, and it was over 100 degrees.
To make a long story short we ended up adopting the little dog.

This was Frank the Tank's idea, not mine.
Baxter didn't seem quite right and I couldn't get past the fact the he never closed his mouth and his tongue was about 1/2" too long so you could always see it.
Oh, and he had an underbite.

He looked ridiculous.........he had these Fruit Bat-like ears, too, and he walked like an armadillo (really slow and rocking-like) - he was a goober.
I let Frank keep the little mutt but I got to name him.
Thus, his name "Baxter" *from Anchorman*.

This afternoon I was working in my studio and a friend stopped by - Amanda Jones.
After we finished visiting and she was fixing to walk out the door to the driveway she looked out the window in the door and said to me *as she giggled*,"Baxter looks dead!

"NOW YOU MAY LOOK AT THE PHOTOS BELOW"

I looked out the window and sure enough, Baxter was dead.

You can see by where the truck is parked that Frank evidently hit him when he pulled in to park going his usual 110 miles per hour.

Oh, my gosh, Baxter was dead.
Oh, wait.
No he wasn't.

That's just the way he looks when he sleeps because his mouth never closes, his tongue always sticks out and his underbite shows.
It's quite confusing to visitors, but Baxter was simply napping.

The visual, however, was enough to send Amanda and myself into a fit of giggles.
I couldn't breathe.

Oh, my gosh. We were dyin' here.
Why, we must share this reason for laughter; what with Hillary and Obama duking it out for the presidency we are always looking for reasons to laugh.......what could we do?

Oh, I know what we could do.
We could make Frank think he had run over Baxter and killed him.
Oh, stop it. It was funny.

The problem was that Amanda wouldn't run into the living room where Frank was, yelling, "Frank, Frank, you ran over Baxter and he's dead!!"
Well, I couldn't do it, I'm married to the man.
What could we do????

Oh, I know.
We could prank the boys!
Craig's home for the weekend and he and Clay were both home.............I knew I could handle this because I wouldn't have to look in their faces as I pranked them - I could just yell through Clay's bathroom at them.
And that's what I did."Craig, Blake, Craig, Clay. HURRY!! Baxter's dead!! He's been run over!!!"
Craig comes running.

Amanda and I have taken up our "backs to the room" pose at the door hoping that he would think our shoulders were shaking because we were sobbing....Craig is followed by my mother who is followed by Clay who is followed by Frank.

They all realize that it's a joke after Baxter raises his head and looks at all of us crowded around the window.
"BAXTER! PLAY DEAD!!"

We're all laughing.
Oh, okay, my mother wasn't laughing but I know she thought it was funny because she had a wee bitty grin on her face.

We're all looking out the window at Baxter who is sitting there with his mouth open, his underbite glistening in the sun and his tongue showing about 1/2" too much and we're dying.

In the middle of our laughing Frank says, "Let's shoot him. Make sure he's dead."

We were on the floor.

The End - tell me you laughed................again:)



Please be sure and leave a comment - they're like presents to me!


XOXO,