I'M SICK. POOR ME. *BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT!*

I feel horrible. I got home from Germany on Thursday w/ acute bronchitis.

Yep, home, doctor, bed. 

I told my sister just a few minutes ago that I had to write this blog post right now 

even while I'm feeling icky because it's so important.

No pictures to attach - I don't feel well enough to search my photos 

for ones that would work. So, this time you just get my words.

Here's my question.

What the heck is going on people??

When did we stop showing our love, our gratitude, our blessings, 

when did we stop care giving, when did we stop saying thank you, 

making our family more important than our job, our gym, our phone, our hobbies??

And, of course, my rant comes from a couple of things that have happened recently. 

...And running with it on the phone with Joan!

There are many qualities of etiquette that have changed over the last 45 years when I was a teen and taking etiquette classes. Things that have changed from 25 years ago when I was raising my boys and passing on what I believed in from my upbringing. 

But, there are some things that should never change. #Never

We have become so busy, I think, that we've lost sight of what's important.

When we get God first, family second and job third out of order, we quickly begin the snowball that becomes the size of Frosty; rolling rolling rolling. 

So busy, busy, busy. No time to think about anything but work. 

Too tired to think about anything but work.

There's many examples and they don't all include work, but a lot do.

I'm 61 this year and didn't realize my age to the extent I do now, not until I saw 

a particular wedding picture that had my two daughter-in-laws being hugged from the side by me, their mother-in-law. Oh, how I hate that term. The photo showed me looking like I look to everyone but me. In reality, I'm 61 years old. #61 And, I have the etiquette standards of someone "old".

So be it. I'm old. I look old in the wedding picture. So embarrassing when you have no idea you look old. But, I have etiquette values that I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to hold as a standard in the way I live my life. And, those values are a good thing.

Putting God first has never been an issue. My problem has been not letting my physical adventures get in the way of keeping my family first. Not really an issue for me unless it involves getting a birthday present or Christmas presents in the mail on time!

When you are the one that is aware and believes in certain points of etiquette and those around you don't practice the same, it can be very hard not to be in a state of disappointment. That's where prayer saves my life. Well, most times. Sometimes one just can't help but be in a state of disappointment for a few moments.

So, what are those points of etiquette that I think are so vitally important and that have, for the most part, been pushed to the wayside?

1. If you receive a card or handwritten letter in the mail, you need to acknowledge that. A simple text message thanking the sender is adequate according to the Etiquette Book of Jan (though I seriously abhor text messaging as a way of communication). It works here and let's the sender know that it not only arrived, but that you appreciate the time it took the sender to "think of you".

2. If you receive a package in the mail - a birthday present, Christmas presents, a "just because" present, any "gift" - you simply must acknowledge receipt of it along with a heartfelt thank you. It's so hard in this day and age to find time for extras (isn't that basically what this post is about??) that getting a present put in the mail is a bit of a chore. All of the time involved, the $$...it's a sincere act of love. And, it deserves a thank you. It deserves more than a text message. Try a phone call, an email, a written note. Do something (but, please don't send a text).

3. After God, make sure you're putting your family first. That begins with you and your partner, your children and your extended family. And, may I say something here that will no doubt make some of you roll your eyes??

When you, my child, "fly the coop" and start becoming your own person and then roll into being your own person? Don't forget your parents. Don't forget your mom. God made you whom you are through the efforts of your parents. And, speaking as a mom, I am still your mom. And, though no longer #1 in your life, I'm your biggest supporter, your biggest fan and, even if you've forgotten, your first love. So, just because you're now an adult, don't make the mistake of cutting your mom/your parents out of your life. Seriously? Not going to be around forever and speaking from experience, don't waste the time you have now to get to know me/us as people, not just as your parents. We're more awesome than you even realize. But to know that, you have to get to know us. (Do you know your mom's favorite dessert? Her favorite movie? Her favorite scripture? Her favorite outside pastime? Stories of great adventure and fun from her past? Her college days? Etc., etc., etc......)

So, there, I've said all I came to say. Maybe I said too much. But, I stand by what I said. 

I hope I said it clearly enough that it makes sense.

I would love your feedback. Disagreement said in a kind way is welcome.

The End.

Be blessed. Be a blessing. 

DO YOU HAVE A MOTHER?

Do you have a mother?

Do you have a mother that you love?

Call her.

Call her a couple of times a week.

Send her a card.

Heck, set up a schedule, have the cards in hand,

and make it simple for you.

Just. do. it.

Love her and let her know that you do.

Bless her with the things she loves.

mom with my niece, Carly, and my sister, Joan

Do you live close to your mom?

Lunch out.

Take her chocolates (please, not generic).

Go spend the afternoon with her and play cards.

Take her out to her favorite restaurant.

Do it all and more.

The time you spend with her will not only bless

her, but it will also bless you.

She's going to die someday.

YOUR. MOM. WILL. DIE.

And, I think that there is nothing more dear

than knowing that when she does, she will be going to heaven.

To have her come to love Jesus if she doesn't already.

I want to leave you with one last thought.

My mom died one year ago today.

I loved her dearly.

I miss her so badly.

Every day.

mom's 80th birthday trip....sitting with the Tank

But, I am at peace knowing that I did all I could all of my adult years,

especially the last year of her life,

so that there was never any doubt that she knew i adored her.

That I loved her.

I have a mother that I love.

THE END

Mom as a child. She's holding onto the

necklace around her neck.

As I begin to pen this chapter of my mom's life, 

I haven't even looked back to see where I had left off

in the telling of her story.

I've put off writing this last part of her story for months.

For a bit I didn't feel comfortable talking about it.

It was too fresh, too new, and too hard for me to wrap

myself around to write this last chapter.

Then I spent literally months trying to come up

with the right title for this post. 

It had to be the perfect title.

As you can see, I lost that battle.

Blogging moves on

(I heard that somewhere)

and I have some other stories I want to tell

but can't until I end this one.

(The Grow Your Blog doesn't count. 

Vicki's *vicki-2bagsfull.blogspot.com* my friend),
and, oh, a couple of others.

Those of you that have been blessed to have

a great relationship with your mom know

what I'm feeling.

After I grew up my mom turned from "mom"

to "friend". 

We had a great relationship.

She was a beautiful woman and her kids were her life.

She passed on October 12, 2012

at the River Point Assisted Living Center

Kerrville, Texas,

after living with The Tank and me at the ranch

for 6 months.

She was my job for ten months.

Some really good, really funny,

and some very sad, 

heart crushing moments.

I would cry out to God at points in her care

because I couldn't stand the pain

of watching her become someone I didn't know.

Oh, God, it was so difficult.

But, it was a huge blessing, too.

I was with her the last months of her life

and that was a blessing.

I was at the care center for two months,

at least eight hours a day, doing what I could to

help my mom.

And then Hospice became involved.

"Why are you here?? 

She's going to be herself again after she gets some rest."

And, I firmly believed it.

Oh, they had seen it before, I knew that,

but this was different. This was my mom

and SHE.WAS.GOING.TO.BE.FINE.

AFTER.SOME.REST.

It's amazing how our brain works

in that kind of situation.

You have to live it to understand.

And, the Hospice workers see

that kind of hope, that kind of desperation,

so many times.

In so many ways.

My mom passed and joined

Jesus on October 12, 2012.

She wouldn't come back even if I begged.

That gives me great comfort.

Mom and Frank, my Tank

South Haven, Michigan,

a celebration of mom's 80th birthday

THE END

Thank you so much
for reading all of the
writings about my sweet mother.

I appreciate you so much,
        .Jan

leave a comment??

UNBELIEVABLE.......................................... ON IT'S WAY TO FABULOUS!

Once I had a really pretty guest room.

When mom came to live with us last January,

I had to take everything out of what is now

known as "MOM'S ROOM", box it up and move

it into my fabulous guest room.

That took it straight to unbelievable.

The double bed was mom's at River Point,

the care center where she lived from July through October.

The guest room originally had twin beds in it

with custom bedspreads that coordinated with

the custom window treatments.

The twin beds were out and donated

and mom's double bed moved in.

 Thank God for good friends.

Phyllis is not only a good friend,

she can sew like a whirlwind.

When she heard that I didn't want to sell

my bedspreads for a huge loss, 

but had no idea what to do about it,

she said she'd make them fit the double bed.

 Oh, my gosh! Of course she could do that!

She can sew anything. So she comes to the house

with her sewing machine and rotary cutter and starts

measuring, cutting and sewing.

 She had a lot of fabric to work with to make it

fit a double bed. I had no worries. 

She seriously is an amazing seamstress.

 The new bedspread is the start of putting

my guest room back together. 

What you're seeing is the never ending 

"favorite artist" wall. It keeps growing and growing

and will soon be ceiling to floor. Love.

 Okey dokey, here's the "real" guest room.

This is the room in it's current condition

excluding the bed.

All of my thanks go to my sons and

everything I had to box up and move over.

 Such a pretty room.

 Wow. I hope he/they found what he/they were looking for.

 How nice, someone threw my lovelies into a box

for safe keeping.

Dark corners can be scary.

 And, here's the almost complete bed!

The euro pillows are having cases made for them

by Phyllis at her house.

I need new bed and sham pillows and

the bed will be finished.

 And a couple of quilts under the spread and

some serious ironing!

Before my mom got really sick, the three of us were gathered 

around the dining room table working on one of Phyllis' projects.

I got up for some reason and mom got paper and a pen

from Phyllis and wrote this note.

The note asked Phyllis to make sure that I got

the sewing machine that I wanted for Christmas.

She knew. I think she knew that she wouldn't 

be able to take care of that because she'd

be too sick.

There was a window of time that mom went through

where she knew what was going on.

She knew that she was losing it and that it was

only going to get worse.

We had talked about it and I had cried about

it after I listened to her and reassured her that

she was safe. 

She was so scared of the future.

It was moments like that one that still break my heart.

I'm so glad, so very happy, to have the note that

she wrote to Phyllis, but it makes me cry out for her

at the same time.

I want my mom. I miss her so much.

If you're counting, then you

realize that this is my 

third blog post in one week.

I'm trying to make up for lost time.

I am so sorry that I didn't write between

May of last year, until this month.

I'm going to be better - not a post a day -

but, better.

If you've read this post and you have time to

leave a comment, I would love that!

XOXO, Jan

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Profound, huh. My title.
I have spent so many hours trying to think of a name for this post that those hours have turned into days which have turned into weeks. And, I apologize for my tardiness though in some respects I have welcomed the time afforded to me that I did not have to pen this post.

I know that if you're reading this post that you've most likely been reading the others about my mom's dementia, moving to the ranch last January, 24/7 caregiver, moving on to memory care, being with her 8 hours every day.

And then October 2012 rolls in.
What's odd is that I haven't posted since May 2012.
Not really odd because taking care of mom got harder and harder every week as she declined further and further. That left little time for anything else.

But, back to October.
That's when I should have written to you.
That's when my sweet mother passed.
October 12, 2012.
I was there with her, sitting at the head of her bed, when she died.
That day and the day before continue to be very surreal to me.

She was progressing steadily in her dementia decline and then the end of September, she started failing much faster. Then she was dying and after about 1 1/2 days, she was gone.
Not lost.
Just gone.
She has gone on to heaven. I'll be with her again. We'll be able to continue the fun we had here on earth with some differences.
Jesus. God.

That's what I hold on to. Because I don't think anyone ever gets through the death of someone they love as dearly as I love my mom.

One day at a time. One breakdown at a time. One prayer at a time.

God bless all of you, especially my lurkers,
Jan

MY WEEK OF RESPITE ~ THE POWER OF PLACE

I've been full-time caretaker for my mom 

who has vascular dementia.

She's been at the ranch for 4 months.

I was able to take a week off, a week of respite,

because my sweet brother, Russ, flew in to take

over her care while I spent a week on the 

Atlantic shore on Satellite Beach, Florida.

 I happened to read an article in a free

zine called Natural Awakenings that

I know God put in my path to give me the

words that describe perfectly what being at

the ocean means to me.

.....The qualities that make a place special to us

are highly personal, and they often help us to define

who we are. Whether the setting is a lake house,

a mountain lodge, a seashore cottage {ocean condo} or a

backyard at twilight, our sensory connections to these

special places shape us in deep and lasting ways.....

 This relationship to place is one that we carry 

within ourselves for a lifetime.

 Iona Dreaming: The Healing Power of Place, 

is Clare Cooper Marcus' journal of her six months 

on the Scottish island of Iona.

 "I feel pure in this place. It is as if there was no separation

between my living, breathing, perceiving body and my soul-nature.

No posturing, no pretending. I am who I am -- no more,

no less. As my breathing slows and I relax, I experience the

sound of the sea passing through me -- not me hearing the sea,

not me and the sea -- just the sound"

 The ocean has always been the place where I feel God

the deepest. This week of respite was necessary for

my mental being and soul.

I rented my dear friend, Vicki Boster's, condo and it felt

like I could reach out the window and touch the surf.

The week was shared with my best friend from college

and my cousin - each being with me for half a week.

Their presence allowed me to talk about what I have been

through these last four months. It was immensely healing.

I crave the ocean every day.

I would love to experience a few weeks 

on the Scottish island of Iona like 

Clare Cooper Marcus was allowed to do.

Traveling abroad...to an island in Scotland...

writing about it gives me chills.

I don't think I'll be adding that to my bucket list,

however, because I don't see any way it would 

happen, but simply thinking about it makes me grin.

(And, God can make it happen, right??)

This past week at the ocean was cleansing, refreshing

and, as I said earlier, healing. I hope that I can

go to an ocean again in the next couple of months.

Any ocean -- God speaks to me through any of them.

I am aware that I am not the only daughter that has or has had

full care of a parent with dementia......or cancer.......or

parkinsons.....any chronic disease. But, we all have our

own challenges that we must deal with while caring for our 

parent(s) and my challenge is physical. So, I need

to do what will keep me the healthiest so that I can 

care for my sweet mother properly.

Give me the ocean.

Thank you for following my blog and for your continued support.

My mother is so important to me and all of my siblings.

Having her loose the best of her is incredibly hard to witness.

Without God's support I don't know how I could do it.

I give him all the glory.

Blessings,  Jan

I TOLD FRANK I HAD FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT

The Tank and I were laying in bed the other night talking

about this and that.

One of the things I shared with him was that I had

 finally figured out Oprah's question that hadn't been

  weighing on my mind though I know

 she'd be so proud to know that I had finally figured it out.

I'm a stress eater.

But, I get ahead of myself...

Y'all know that mom moved to the ranch in the middle

of January this year for me to take care of her.

She moved here from a memory center

in Portage, Michigan, where she was residing because

she had onset vascular dementia.

So, we make it to the ranch a couple of weeks before

this............

drove up.

Oh, heavens, that was one big moving van. 

Before I became concerned as to how much room mom's

things were taking up inside the van, I derived a great

sense of satisfaction knowing that whomever was

driving by the ranch as this monster drove up the lane,

would be wondering why we were moving, where we

were moving, had we run out of money? goats?

Center Point is like so many other small towns in that respect.

The sight of this van driving up the lane would give

the old men that drink coffee at the local mini mart

great fodder. Still makes me smile when I think about it.

Here are some shots of mom's things.

Not all of them be any stretch, but, enough that you can

get an idea of what those men pulled out of that moving van.

Oh, the boxes.

The entire mess was supposed to fit into mom's

room - a really decent sized bedroom with a 

sitting area and attached bath. Lots of storage.

But, please! A whole house into a suite?

And, of course, she wanted to start going through

the boxes one...at...a...time, handling, touching,

caressing every...single...item...in...each...box.

This picture is of mom shortly after she arrived.

I remember when I looked at this photo that it struck

me as so odd -- my mom was "old", you know, 

a senior. I had never seen it in her before and 

maybe that's because she was never "sick" before, 

I don't know. But, though she looks different to me here, 

she's still beautiful and 85 this summer.

Mom has to use a walker to get around.

She is a bit frail and her sense of balance is

somewhat off. This is the safest way for her

to get around -- even when re-introducing herself

to the goats. 

So, mom has dementia, she's moved everything

she's ever owned to the ranch and

on top of that, after she had been here for a few 

weeks, she fell and sustained three hairline fractures

in these two bones that attach to the bottom of your

hips. Yeah.

Pain, such pain sitting, standing, sitting.

Nothing that can be done (in the way of surgery) 

and thank goodness she is almost healed and the

pain is lessening weekly because she has really been hurting.

However, even in the middle of hurting she manages to

dig out her sense of humor...the picture above is mom in

a sweat suit, hood up, topped by her heavy robe 

(and an asked for pathetic look) because she 

was/is/is always cold. Someone needs to tell her she's 

in south Texas now, not Michigan.

This picture was taken this Easter, just a couple of weeks ago.

We had just been to church to witness Blake, Clay and

their daddy's baptism (it was so cool).

Blake and Clay wanted a picture taken with Grammy once

we got home. Oh, and Sophie, too.

These are the moments I like to remember.

The ones I must remember to get through the

other moments that fill my days.

I remember growing up, into my adult years, always

fearful that one of my parents would get cancer and die.

The word "cancer" had always scared me and I could

picture having to live through one of my parents getting

sick with "the C word".

Never, however, did I or have I thought that one of my parents 

would develop dementia.

It's a condition that does no apparent 'physical' harm to the person

suffering from it because they don't know that there's

anything wrong. It's the children and all of those who love

my mom that have been the greatest affected.

She has moments with me where she will question "why"

in reference to her confusion and memory loss,

but, except for those moments, 

it's those of us that love her that are feeling

the most pain. And, I'm sure there are many of you

that can relate to that.

And to those of you that are the care givers or have been

the care giver, I know what you're feeling.

I know your frustration, your feelings of inadequacy,

your fear, your exhaustion, the pounds you've added

or the pounds you've lost, those moments of delight that

you share with your parent. I know all of it

and I pray for you as I hope you are praying for me

and all of the caregivers.

AN ALZHEIMER'S POEM

Do not ask me to remember

Don't try to make me understand

Let me rest and know you're with me

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I'm confused beyond your concept

I am sad and sick and lost

All I know is that I need you

To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me

Do not scold or curse or cry

I can't help the way I'm acting

Can't be different though I try.

Just remember that I need you

That the best of me is gone

Please don't fail to stand beside me

Love me until my life is done.

Amen.