DESPAIR.....AM I REALLY WORTHLESS?

Written once, now posted twice.
I originally wrote this post
in October of 2010 and posted it on "page 2" of my blog
which is very rarely seen by my readers.
This evening I received an email from a reader 
that read this post just yesterday and left me her feelings.
God spoke to me, I could hear him, as he urged me
 to finally post Despair on Page 1.

My reader's comments and my feelings after I re-read this post
tonight are what decided it for me. 
I could have written most of the original post
today. It is the same story, four years later.
I'm still fighting the good fight
and tripping over the obstacles, deep holes, 
relationships, valleys so deep the sun never shines,
 and even more chronic diseases to
add to my already overflowing list of "adventures"............
I'm going to re-post now, but am going to cut away the 
parts of the original post (which you can find on Page 2 -
look on the right hand side of my blog to find Page 2), 
that don't apply to today's story.....And so I begin........

I am so tired.

I am so tired of feeling tired.

When I think about how vibrant and active I was before my health started

 it's slide down the slippery, muddy hill of 'bad health', sometimes I cry. 

Not always. 

Most of the time I'm okay with where ever I am in life 

because of my unfaltering faith in the Lord

and my knowledge that it could always be worse.

But, let's face it, we all, all believers, doubt Him at some time. 

I'm very blessed and in knowing that I am able to keep my eyes on the Lord.

I've been through some horrible things 

and I've never lost sight of the Lord.

I would never falter.

Most days.

 ............I had a day three weeks ago where I felt despair.

"It's a funny thing when despair gets to you. 

It doesn't even feel like despair.

You don't think to yourself,

Oh, I have no hope.

Oh, I give up.

Oh, there's nothing I can do.

That's just every day complaining.

That's just feeling sorry for yourself.

Real despair is different.

It creeps up on you in disguise.

It comes as a kind of sleepiness,

a kind of heavy sadness that weighs you down.

It makes you lazy."

....."I didn't say to myself:

Don't give up.

I didn't say:

.....Never give in.

I didn't really say anything to myself.....

I was just too tired......"

............A weird and terrible thought began to work its way into my mind."

You're worthless.

You are just a sick, lazy woman

who isn't any good for any one.

The only reason anyone loves you

is because you're sick.
You're a DUTY, a PAIN.

You are such a BURDEN.

Your life is a joke.

"The thought was kind of like a whisper,

as if someone invisible were crouching next to me with his lips to my ear,

whispering very low.

The whisper was so low I didn't really even hear the words at first.

Slowly, they just sort of worked their way into my consciousness

until I was aware of them."

............"I rolled up into a sitting position.

I held my head in my hands and ...cried.

It was then that the despair rose up inside me with its true face.

That laziness,

that heavy sadness,

that sleepy passivity,

...the hopelessness that had crept up on me.

Now it was here in full force -

a horrible feeling,

a twisting, hollow anguish of despair."

I clasped my hands in front of my mouth.

"I wanted to pray.

I tried.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't even do that.

I was too afraid; that accusing whisper continued

to speak to me.

...I was afraid because I thought that

I might deserve  everything 

that was happening to me.

I was afraid to pray,

but I had to do something

and that was all I could think of.

I pressed my clasped hands hard against my mouth.

I bit into them.

I forced the words into my mind.

Please God.

Help me.

I'm beaten.

I admit it.

I'm lost.

I've got nothing left.

Please.

Help."

When I thought about 

what had happened.

I thought about it for a very long time.

Disecting it in an effort to understand.

And you know what?

"That sleepy sadness I had felt -

that passivity and despair -

they were gone suddenly."

I remember how I had prayed earlier.

How I'd thought there'd been no answer.

I was wrong.

I understood now.

It can be crazy hard.

To keep your faith,

to keep going.

It can be harder than I ever would have imagined.

Sometimes things happen to you, 

really bad things that aren't fair,

things that make you feel so terrible ...about yourself.

Sometimes you feel like there's no one to turn to,

and you're all alone and so scared you

can hardly move and so tired you just want to

curl up in a ball and go to sleep forever."

...I think in some way I had been training for this time my whole life.

I'd been training every day, even in the simple things.

I trained to keep my mind sharp when I was in school.

I trained to keep my spirit strong by going to church,

or when I prayed by myself, 

it was a kind of training:

I was training to remember that I was not alone.

I was never alone."

God is always there for me,

especially during times of despair.

And always when Satan is sitting on my shoulder

whispering lies into my ear.

Somehow I had gotten off track.

And I think part of my problem is the way

I isolate myself from the world.

Oh, I've got friends, but only a couple of close ones

that are physically near.

And I'm beginning to question why I keep it that way.

I have so many dear blogger friends

AND FAMILY, my sister, Joan, especially,

and my cousin, Melinda,

and I know that I could call either one of them

or the ones physically near,

if I needed to talk

or to be affirmed, but I would never do that.

I only tell J & M my deepest thoughts and feelings

though I have rarely ever called Joan when in the depths of despair.

Once? Twice??

And it has taken me YEARS to get to this point. Years of

suffering alone, of being afraid alone, before I would even tell them, 

or Annette, that I had a doctor's appointment. 

And I started doing that ONLY because one

of them verbally shook me by the shoulders!

I kept things to myself because I have always been

 fully aware that every one is fighting some kind of battle 

so I have wanted to keep my own struggles to myself.

It could always be worse is my mantra that I live by still.

The most important thing that I had lost sight of is that

I've got God and He is with me at all times.

It was scary when I lost sight of that.

I lifted my head to the heavens

and it brought me back to where I always am.

Well, except I do allow myself what I call

"moments".

Like after a doctor's visit

or yet another referral to a specialist.

Moments.

We're all allowed them.

Just don't make a habit out of them.

"Keep your eyes on the prize", as my youngest has always said.

And don't listen to Satan.

He lies.

*****10/2010: I have written this post on my side bar for one reason.

It's because I've really written it for me.

I doubt anyone will read it and that's okay.

I wanted a 'journal entry' about what I went through this week.

AND praise be to God!

1/2015: If you did find this post, thank you for taking the time to read it.

If you would like to leave a comment for me, please do.

I would love to know that you read it.

I hope it made sense to you as I did some creative cutting and pasting!

It takes a lot of guts to post this. I have NEVER let you see me so clearly; never

allowed you to look so deeply into my soul. This isn't me but I'm really tired of being 

alone in my own little corner in my own little room. 

(*that's from some show. Cinderella, I think)

To God be the glory!!,

                Jan

photos from Google photos and have no copyright on them to my knowledge unless indicated differently on the photo.

text in qoutes is from the book I'm reading and these passages were what I read just last night.

i'm reading The Last Thing I Remember by Andrew Klavan.

and I know without a doubt that God put this book in my hands.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Profound, huh. My title.
I have spent so many hours trying to think of a name for this post that those hours have turned into days which have turned into weeks. And, I apologize for my tardiness though in some respects I have welcomed the time afforded to me that I did not have to pen this post.

I know that if you're reading this post that you've most likely been reading the others about my mom's dementia, moving to the ranch last January, 24/7 caregiver, moving on to memory care, being with her 8 hours every day.

And then October 2012 rolls in.
What's odd is that I haven't posted since May 2012.
Not really odd because taking care of mom got harder and harder every week as she declined further and further. That left little time for anything else.

But, back to October.
That's when I should have written to you.
That's when my sweet mother passed.
October 12, 2012.
I was there with her, sitting at the head of her bed, when she died.
That day and the day before continue to be very surreal to me.

She was progressing steadily in her dementia decline and then the end of September, she started failing much faster. Then she was dying and after about 1 1/2 days, she was gone.
Not lost.
Just gone.
She has gone on to heaven. I'll be with her again. We'll be able to continue the fun we had here on earth with some differences.
Jesus. God.

That's what I hold on to. Because I don't think anyone ever gets through the death of someone they love as dearly as I love my mom.

One day at a time. One breakdown at a time. One prayer at a time.

God bless all of you, especially my lurkers,
Jan

BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? YOU SHOULD.

I have been waiting to write this post.

Waiting to know for sure

because it's so new.

It's just day's new.

But, I have some friends that

deserve not to have to wait

a minute longer to hear 

what God has orchestrated.

Friends that have been praying for us, supporting us,

loving us, caring for us.

Through all of my tears, 

uncontrollable sobbing,

despair,

fear and hard prayer,

God was always there.

And I knew that in my heart.

I have always known that God was there

supporting me even more 

than even my dearest friends.

That didn't mean that I couldn't be sad.

He doesn't expect us to go through life

smiling all of the time.

Just believing all of the time.

He was also working in

other's lives. 

(He's the ultimate multi-tasker).

He has been working in

the people's lives who were

working with my mom.

Doctors, nurses, caregivers,

my brothers and sisters.

He has blessed my mom with

the best care and the most wonderful

caregivers and children.

All working for what's best for mom.

Mom was settled in a most wonderful

memory care facility for dementia patients.

She has had doctors that changed her meds

for the better, and

children that have given up time

and money to protect mom and do what's

best for her.

I can't press that point enough.

Because, you see, a miracle has happened.

Remember that this all started with mom falling

asleep at the wheel because she hadn't slept

for seven days? 

That inability to sleep continued for two months.

She would sleep for a couple of hours

now and then, but never fully slept.

Her doctor was changed,

her meds were changed 

several times.

There's so much information that

I'm just going to leave it at that.

When mom was settled in the memory care

facility, her life took a dramatic turn.

She started sleeping.

Her sleep meds were changed by

a new doctor and the meds

worked. 

They worked.

They worked.

They worked.

Mom has slept every night since

December 6th.

Sleep deprivation postures 

dementia.

She has grown stronger

and more like my mom by the day.

She still has moments of confusion

(If you know me, 

you're thinking that it's genetic),

but SHE IS BACK.

PRAISE GOD.

PRAISE GOD.

PRAISE GOD.

It is her desire to live at the ranch 

with Frank, me and our "doggies".

So, I'm on my way to Kalamazoo 

to see my mom and

to bring her home.

Annette is flying up to drive

back with me.

When we made those plans

little did we know that we'd

be bringing my mom and her Sophie

back with us.

YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for your prayers, support, cards to mom 
and for your love,

Jan

"here i come, Sister"

GOD HELP ME HELP MY MOM

 This is an email I sent out yesterday to my children, cousins, dad & U., aunt and uncle, and very close friends.

   After I read it again this afternoon I realized that it contained some information that I didn't put in my blog post yesterday so I thought I would post it for you to read.

   I'm also going to include some pictures of my mother so you can see how dear she is/was.
Now I'm going to tell you where we are now.

   This may sound somewhat like the first "mom" post, but it will give you some more information. 

Mom has been released from "the clinic" (i have no idea what it's called) where they were able to find the right medication for her to allow her to go to sleep at night.

After a couple of nights of sleep it's amazing the difference in her "attitude".

So, that seems to be working for the time being.

 we do love to shop!! 

this shopping trip was in downtown kalamazoo. so fun.

Mom has been diagnosed with vascular dementia as a result of the fall she took about three years ago. 

She has been released from the clinic that determined her dementia and her medication.

She is now residing in a facility called Claire Bridge in Kazoo. It's independent living (I think I'm the only one that wonders if this is what mom needs. we'll see).

The facility is gorgeous. If you would like to send her a card, not that she'll understand - she may think you're her sister - I know personally how wonderful it is to get "fun" mail. Let me know if you want to send a card & I'll give you her address. You'd be such a blessing to her and to me.

 Mom & Sophie; Sophie LOVED the ranch. 

Every year she spent three months with us and we had so much fun!

This is a picture of mom holding a newborn goat which Sophie is checking out.

She has an "apartment", kinda like an efficiency apartment. Her bedroom is at one end and a sitting/TV area is at the other end. And, of course, there's a BR.

We, her kids, have taken all possible measures to make sure she will be safe in her new setting in addition to what the facility provides.

My sisters and brothers have had some of her furniture moved like her couch, end table, bedding, some of her amazing ccs she has on her walls, etc.

Her first night was last night and even though she is given a 24 hour private nurse for her first 24 hours, Eileen went ahead and spent the night because she

was restless and confused. (the word "confused" never hurt my heart before now)

 Mom is on the right. This is her family when she was in high school (I think).

Today's report is that she is "pissy" (a sibling's word, not mine) which basically means that she's being mean and uncooperative because she didn't 

get a good night's sleep. She's very upset that no one will take her home to her mother's.

This is our eldest, Craig, and his sweet Grammy, my mom.

Needless to say, this has been a roller coaster for all of us. She only started showing symptoms a month ago.

The doctor said that is how vascular dementia postures.

   I haven't been there yet; you know I'm going the first of the year, but I think she's almost full blown from what I've heard. I could be wrong (oh, so doubtful). 

Russ has been able to fly up several times as his flight from Florida is 200.00 round trip.

I've been stuck in Texas because round trip from here is 800.00.

So, we've all had our own type of Hell handling this.

   But, though we all have done what we can, I must give a shout out for my little brother, Russ (he'll love that!). He has really made me proud the way he has stepped up and taken over many of the aspects involved in this process.  

 My mom when she was younger. 

She was a knockout (though the haircut isn't showin' that too much).

If you've never experienced having a parent w/ dementia, I sincerely hope you never do.

It's horrible. It's so horrible.

When I drive up the first of the year I'm going to see someone other than my mom.

This woman is going to be confused, she probably won't know who I am, and there's a good chance I'll witness my gentle mom being evil.

God help me to help her.

 Clayman holding Sophie, making a silly face (that's new)

with his Grammy.

You can't possibly understand the dread I have as I face this trip north.

(I'll be there from the 3rd - 17th *approx.*)

I'll keep the updates coming if there's any change though I don't feel there will be.

I will send you pictures of her new home so you can look for them.

My SIL, Eileen, helping mom separate ccs thread.

Mom's love for so many years has been doing very complicated ccs

projects. I'm going to miss seeing her work on her pieces.

Pray for Junie/SAJ/Grammy/Aunt/mom.

And, please pray for her kids.

The most eloquent prayers for me because I'm her favorite. 

Be sure and let me know if you want her address. Blessings.

Love, Jan

Mom as a little girl.

pls. respect my copyright

I GOT TO KISS MY BABY GIRL ON THE CHEEK

I GOT TO KISS MY BABY GIRL, BRAT, ON THE CHEEK.

SHE WAS LYING IN HER HOSPITAL BED

WHEN I ARRIVED ON MONDAY

AND MY KNEES ALMOST BUCKLED WHEN I SAW HER.

ALL OF THE FEAR, UNCERTAINTY AND CONCERN

WERE WIPED AWAY

AS I CAME TO THE REALIZATION

THAT MY BRAT WAS GOING TO BE OKAY.

I KNEW WHEN I SAW HER THAT

GOD WAS ANSWERING ALL OF THE PRAYERS

SENT TO HIM.

I HAD KNOWN THAT SINCE I GOT NEWS

OF THE ACCIDENT,

BUT SEEING HER PUT A SHAKY HEART TO REST.

WE'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE A SHAKY HEART.

GOD KNOWS THAT WE SOMETIMES FEEL

UNCERTAINTY, A MOMENT OF FEAR.....

WE'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE WHAT I CALL 'MOMENTS'.

WE JUST HAVE TO KEEP THEM IN CHECK.

SEEING MY LITTLE GIRL SMILE AT ME

MADE ME FEEL SO AMAZING.

OH, HOW I HAD BEEN LIVING FOR THAT SMILE.

TO SEE HER, TO BE ABLE TO TOUCH HER,

RUB HER ARM GENTLY

AND TALK SOFTLY TO HER;

HAD ME ON MY KNEES (MENTALLY)

PRAISING MY LORD

"OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU..."

I WAS ABLE TO SLEEP ON A COT IN BRAT'S ROOM

ON MONDAY NIGHT.

THAT'D BE WHY I WAS NAPPING ON TUESDAY

ALONG WITH THE DRUGGED PATIENT.

THE STAFF AT ST. DAVID'S MEDICAL CENTER

IN ROUND ROCK TOOK EXCELLENT CARE OF BRAT.

THIS IS A PHOTO OF BRITTANY AND

ONE OF HER FAVORITE NURSES.

AND, I SIMPLY MUST SAY THAT BRAT WAS

AN EASY PATIENT TO NURSE.

SHE IS SUCH A BRAVE YOUNG WOMAN.

MY GIFT TO BRAT ON THIS VISIT WAS

A DARLING PICTURE OF HER AND HER FIANCE, WILL.

THAT WAS ON DAY ONE.

DAY TWO I TAPED UP THE NOT-SO-PRECIOUS,

BUT GUARANTEED TO MAKE HER LAUGH OUT LOUD,

HAIRY PHOTO OF HER AND WILL.

IT WAS SUCH A BLESSING TO HEAR HER LAUGH.

BRAT IS NOW AT A REHAB FACILITY,

STILL NEEDING OUR PRAYERS.

SHE'S ON HER WAY TO BEING WHOLE AGAIN.

AND FOR THAT, I PRAISE GOD.

I PRAISE HIM THE WHOLE DAY LONG

BECAUSE HE HAS MY DARLING BRITTANY

IN HIS HANDS.

I love you all,

      Jan

MOVE! BUSY THOSE HANDS! BUSY YOUR MIND!

 Move, Jan!

Busy those hands, Jan!

Busy your mind, Jan!

 And it will free your spirit for prayer.

Your fears, your longings, your troubles, they won't disappear,

but, you'll be able to hear God as he encourages you.

And, you'll remember to allow him to carry your burdens.

 And, that's what I did.

I started with the Creepy Doll room

and moved on to the living room bookshelves.

 I removed all of the books

except my Bobbsey Twins and

the Tank's Texas history books.

 I rummaged around in my

'needs to be listed on Etsy' cabinets,

in sacks in the garage

and found enough wonderful things to fill the shelves. 

 A few of the things are family heirlooms

such as my grandpa's pocket watch and

Thomason Civil War Bibles.

But, most came from my 'stores'.

 I'm not finished yet.

I'm going to turn the books around

so that the yellowed pages show, not the spines.

That will be my first move in my resolve

to fill my bookcases with creams, tea stained, and dirty whites.

That's the look I'm going for in this big re-do.

 But, for now I am happy enough with the look.

It was important that the changes I made

didn't involve spending any money

and I accomplished that.

 The most important thing that I've accomplished

in the bookcase make-over

is that it's kept my mind busy.

 Seriously?

When I'm idle Satan is able to balance on my shoulder

and whisper his lies in my ear.

 Jesus is holding me up this week

as I deal with my Brittany's serious car accident.

 She's better.

Her pelvic bone is fractured but no surgery needed.

Lots of P.T. and non-wieght bearing right leg for 3 months.

Her liver will heal.

I know why.

Why she's doing so well.

Oh, I'm not saying that she's

not in horrid pain, because at times she is in pain.

A lot of pain.

But, the precious Lord is being bombarded with prayers.

Prayers from those of us who love her

and prayers from other believers.

He hears them all so keep praying.

Please.

Because she will heal and your prayers will help.

You know what?

I can't imagine how I would handle life

without my faith.

How do they do it??

Praise the Lord.

I love you.

You're so, so special to me.

JAN

My Brittany ("Brat")