DESPAIR.....AM I REALLY WORTHLESS?

Written once, now posted twice.
I originally wrote this post
in October of 2010 and posted it on "page 2" of my blog
which is very rarely seen by my readers.
This evening I received an email from a reader 
that read this post just yesterday and left me her feelings.
God spoke to me, I could hear him, as he urged me
 to finally post Despair on Page 1.

My reader's comments and my feelings after I re-read this post
tonight are what decided it for me. 
I could have written most of the original post
today. It is the same story, four years later.
I'm still fighting the good fight
and tripping over the obstacles, deep holes, 
relationships, valleys so deep the sun never shines,
 and even more chronic diseases to
add to my already overflowing list of "adventures"............
I'm going to re-post now, but am going to cut away the 
parts of the original post (which you can find on Page 2 -
look on the right hand side of my blog to find Page 2), 
that don't apply to today's story.....And so I begin........

I am so tired.

I am so tired of feeling tired.

When I think about how vibrant and active I was before my health started

 it's slide down the slippery, muddy hill of 'bad health', sometimes I cry. 

Not always. 

Most of the time I'm okay with where ever I am in life 

because of my unfaltering faith in the Lord

and my knowledge that it could always be worse.

But, let's face it, we all, all believers, doubt Him at some time. 

I'm very blessed and in knowing that I am able to keep my eyes on the Lord.

I've been through some horrible things 

and I've never lost sight of the Lord.

I would never falter.

Most days.

 ............I had a day three weeks ago where I felt despair.

"It's a funny thing when despair gets to you. 

It doesn't even feel like despair.

You don't think to yourself,

Oh, I have no hope.

Oh, I give up.

Oh, there's nothing I can do.

That's just every day complaining.

That's just feeling sorry for yourself.

Real despair is different.

It creeps up on you in disguise.

It comes as a kind of sleepiness,

a kind of heavy sadness that weighs you down.

It makes you lazy."

....."I didn't say to myself:

Don't give up.

I didn't say:

.....Never give in.

I didn't really say anything to myself.....

I was just too tired......"

............A weird and terrible thought began to work its way into my mind."

You're worthless.

You are just a sick, lazy woman

who isn't any good for any one.

The only reason anyone loves you

is because you're sick.
You're a DUTY, a PAIN.

You are such a BURDEN.

Your life is a joke.

"The thought was kind of like a whisper,

as if someone invisible were crouching next to me with his lips to my ear,

whispering very low.

The whisper was so low I didn't really even hear the words at first.

Slowly, they just sort of worked their way into my consciousness

until I was aware of them."

............"I rolled up into a sitting position.

I held my head in my hands and ...cried.

It was then that the despair rose up inside me with its true face.

That laziness,

that heavy sadness,

that sleepy passivity,

...the hopelessness that had crept up on me.

Now it was here in full force -

a horrible feeling,

a twisting, hollow anguish of despair."

I clasped my hands in front of my mouth.

"I wanted to pray.

I tried.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't even do that.

I was too afraid; that accusing whisper continued

to speak to me.

...I was afraid because I thought that

I might deserve  everything 

that was happening to me.

I was afraid to pray,

but I had to do something

and that was all I could think of.

I pressed my clasped hands hard against my mouth.

I bit into them.

I forced the words into my mind.

Please God.

Help me.

I'm beaten.

I admit it.

I'm lost.

I've got nothing left.

Please.

Help."

When I thought about 

what had happened.

I thought about it for a very long time.

Disecting it in an effort to understand.

And you know what?

"That sleepy sadness I had felt -

that passivity and despair -

they were gone suddenly."

I remember how I had prayed earlier.

How I'd thought there'd been no answer.

I was wrong.

I understood now.

It can be crazy hard.

To keep your faith,

to keep going.

It can be harder than I ever would have imagined.

Sometimes things happen to you, 

really bad things that aren't fair,

things that make you feel so terrible ...about yourself.

Sometimes you feel like there's no one to turn to,

and you're all alone and so scared you

can hardly move and so tired you just want to

curl up in a ball and go to sleep forever."

...I think in some way I had been training for this time my whole life.

I'd been training every day, even in the simple things.

I trained to keep my mind sharp when I was in school.

I trained to keep my spirit strong by going to church,

or when I prayed by myself, 

it was a kind of training:

I was training to remember that I was not alone.

I was never alone."

God is always there for me,

especially during times of despair.

And always when Satan is sitting on my shoulder

whispering lies into my ear.

Somehow I had gotten off track.

And I think part of my problem is the way

I isolate myself from the world.

Oh, I've got friends, but only a couple of close ones

that are physically near.

And I'm beginning to question why I keep it that way.

I have so many dear blogger friends

AND FAMILY, my sister, Joan, especially,

and my cousin, Melinda,

and I know that I could call either one of them

or the ones physically near,

if I needed to talk

or to be affirmed, but I would never do that.

I only tell J & M my deepest thoughts and feelings

though I have rarely ever called Joan when in the depths of despair.

Once? Twice??

And it has taken me YEARS to get to this point. Years of

suffering alone, of being afraid alone, before I would even tell them, 

or Annette, that I had a doctor's appointment. 

And I started doing that ONLY because one

of them verbally shook me by the shoulders!

I kept things to myself because I have always been

 fully aware that every one is fighting some kind of battle 

so I have wanted to keep my own struggles to myself.

It could always be worse is my mantra that I live by still.

The most important thing that I had lost sight of is that

I've got God and He is with me at all times.

It was scary when I lost sight of that.

I lifted my head to the heavens

and it brought me back to where I always am.

Well, except I do allow myself what I call

"moments".

Like after a doctor's visit

or yet another referral to a specialist.

Moments.

We're all allowed them.

Just don't make a habit out of them.

"Keep your eyes on the prize", as my youngest has always said.

And don't listen to Satan.

He lies.

*****10/2010: I have written this post on my side bar for one reason.

It's because I've really written it for me.

I doubt anyone will read it and that's okay.

I wanted a 'journal entry' about what I went through this week.

AND praise be to God!

1/2015: If you did find this post, thank you for taking the time to read it.

If you would like to leave a comment for me, please do.

I would love to know that you read it.

I hope it made sense to you as I did some creative cutting and pasting!

It takes a lot of guts to post this. I have NEVER let you see me so clearly; never

allowed you to look so deeply into my soul. This isn't me but I'm really tired of being 

alone in my own little corner in my own little room. 

(*that's from some show. Cinderella, I think)

To God be the glory!!,

                Jan

photos from Google photos and have no copyright on them to my knowledge unless indicated differently on the photo.

text in qoutes is from the book I'm reading and these passages were what I read just last night.

i'm reading The Last Thing I Remember by Andrew Klavan.

and I know without a doubt that God put this book in my hands.

IS IT ANY WONDER THAT I COUNT Y'ALL AS FRIENDS??

Is it any wonder that I count y'all as friends?

Is it any wonder that some of my closest friends are women that I've never met face to face?

Is it any wonder that I count several of my blog friends as "BFF's"?

No, it's no wonder.

A lot of you have been with me for several years as I've blogged about everything from my art, the things that I think are funny, and my medical adventures *though I admit that I haven't been as open with those as I have with other things* because. . . . .

I have always felt that if I was too open with y'all that I would be setting myself up for your distain, that you may feel like my blog isn't the place for me to tell the world (yeah, the whole world reads my blog - I have a lot of lurkers) about my boo-boo's;  you all have your own problems, you don't want to read about mine.

And, worst of all, I was a bit concerned that you might think I was complaining. I try so hard not to complain that it would kill me to have someone think *or worse, "comment"* that I was complaining. But, slowly I have started sharing my many medical adventures, though I will admit that I don't share them all, and so far no one has said anything negative.

And, the pictures you're looking at are representative *to me* of the friendships that I have made with other like minded artists through my blogging.

I happened to receive all of these treasures from my good friend, Deb Christensen of Dye-ing to be Yours, and when she read that I was having pretty serious surgery last week, she put together a box of well wishes to make me smile! She is someone that I met through blogging and I simply adore her. See what I mean??

I had foot surgery last week and spent three delight (Vicadin) filled days in the hospital, coming home on Friday afternoon; and I understand the fun is just beginning.

Deb's gift represents all of the kind words, cards, phone calls (my precious friend, Julie of Kitchen Floor Creations actually called me from New York. Shut up!) and one of my closest friends, Anne of Fiona and Twig, has called several times and has posted updates on my condition on her own blog.

And the one thing that touches my heart more than anything else?
All of the prayers that have been lifted up on my behalf by many of you. (And don't stop praying, heck, don't stop sending presents, just because the surgery is over - there's lots more to this medical adventure.)

(If you don't know exactly what I'm referring to, scroll back a couple of posts and read IT SUCKS TO BE ME.)

All of you are so very precious to me. I hope I've been able to convey that; my words seem inadequate to me somehow. 

Anyway, I love you and I cherish the friendships that I have made through blogging. (And lurkers, I love you, too.....pssst...Julie used to lurk...)

xoxo, Jan

.....love the Lord with all your heart.....

WHAT CANCER CAN'T DO - A VERY SPECIAL CARD

It saddens me.

The number of friends that have recently told me that they or a family member have cancer.

The number of friends that have been living with cancer.

The number of friends that are sick from the poisons that are pumped into their body in an effort to kill their cancer.

The number of friends struggling with the loss of hair, energy and appetite.

The number of friends struggling with their faith.

That's why this card is so important.

Please read what it says.
(It's typed below the photograph of the card - easier to read)
And please remember that all of my work is copyrighted.

IT SAYS:

WHAT CANCER CAN'T DO

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot erode faith

It cannot eat away peace

It cannot destroy confidence

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot shut out memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade the soul

It cannot reduce eternal life

It cannot quench the spirit

It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection

The butterfly is free-standing and is attached to the card at it's center so that the wings can stand up.
The photo of this card totally does not relate the beauty of the card - it is gorgeous in it's presentation and loving in it's written words.

You can see this card and others in different colors and patterns in my Etsy shop and Lollishop.

I love each and every one of you,