DESPAIR.....AM I REALLY WORTHLESS?

Written once, now posted twice.
I originally wrote this post
in October of 2010 and posted it on "page 2" of my blog
which is very rarely seen by my readers.
This evening I received an email from a reader 
that read this post just yesterday and left me her feelings.
God spoke to me, I could hear him, as he urged me
 to finally post Despair on Page 1.

My reader's comments and my feelings after I re-read this post
tonight are what decided it for me. 
I could have written most of the original post
today. It is the same story, four years later.
I'm still fighting the good fight
and tripping over the obstacles, deep holes, 
relationships, valleys so deep the sun never shines,
 and even more chronic diseases to
add to my already overflowing list of "adventures"............
I'm going to re-post now, but am going to cut away the 
parts of the original post (which you can find on Page 2 -
look on the right hand side of my blog to find Page 2), 
that don't apply to today's story.....And so I begin........

I am so tired.

I am so tired of feeling tired.

When I think about how vibrant and active I was before my health started

 it's slide down the slippery, muddy hill of 'bad health', sometimes I cry. 

Not always. 

Most of the time I'm okay with where ever I am in life 

because of my unfaltering faith in the Lord

and my knowledge that it could always be worse.

But, let's face it, we all, all believers, doubt Him at some time. 

I'm very blessed and in knowing that I am able to keep my eyes on the Lord.

I've been through some horrible things 

and I've never lost sight of the Lord.

I would never falter.

Most days.

 ............I had a day three weeks ago where I felt despair.

"It's a funny thing when despair gets to you. 

It doesn't even feel like despair.

You don't think to yourself,

Oh, I have no hope.

Oh, I give up.

Oh, there's nothing I can do.

That's just every day complaining.

That's just feeling sorry for yourself.

Real despair is different.

It creeps up on you in disguise.

It comes as a kind of sleepiness,

a kind of heavy sadness that weighs you down.

It makes you lazy."

....."I didn't say to myself:

Don't give up.

I didn't say:

.....Never give in.

I didn't really say anything to myself.....

I was just too tired......"

............A weird and terrible thought began to work its way into my mind."

You're worthless.

You are just a sick, lazy woman

who isn't any good for any one.

The only reason anyone loves you

is because you're sick.
You're a DUTY, a PAIN.

You are such a BURDEN.

Your life is a joke.

"The thought was kind of like a whisper,

as if someone invisible were crouching next to me with his lips to my ear,

whispering very low.

The whisper was so low I didn't really even hear the words at first.

Slowly, they just sort of worked their way into my consciousness

until I was aware of them."

............"I rolled up into a sitting position.

I held my head in my hands and ...cried.

It was then that the despair rose up inside me with its true face.

That laziness,

that heavy sadness,

that sleepy passivity,

...the hopelessness that had crept up on me.

Now it was here in full force -

a horrible feeling,

a twisting, hollow anguish of despair."

I clasped my hands in front of my mouth.

"I wanted to pray.

I tried.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't even do that.

I was too afraid; that accusing whisper continued

to speak to me.

...I was afraid because I thought that

I might deserve  everything 

that was happening to me.

I was afraid to pray,

but I had to do something

and that was all I could think of.

I pressed my clasped hands hard against my mouth.

I bit into them.

I forced the words into my mind.

Please God.

Help me.

I'm beaten.

I admit it.

I'm lost.

I've got nothing left.

Please.

Help."

When I thought about 

what had happened.

I thought about it for a very long time.

Disecting it in an effort to understand.

And you know what?

"That sleepy sadness I had felt -

that passivity and despair -

they were gone suddenly."

I remember how I had prayed earlier.

How I'd thought there'd been no answer.

I was wrong.

I understood now.

It can be crazy hard.

To keep your faith,

to keep going.

It can be harder than I ever would have imagined.

Sometimes things happen to you, 

really bad things that aren't fair,

things that make you feel so terrible ...about yourself.

Sometimes you feel like there's no one to turn to,

and you're all alone and so scared you

can hardly move and so tired you just want to

curl up in a ball and go to sleep forever."

...I think in some way I had been training for this time my whole life.

I'd been training every day, even in the simple things.

I trained to keep my mind sharp when I was in school.

I trained to keep my spirit strong by going to church,

or when I prayed by myself, 

it was a kind of training:

I was training to remember that I was not alone.

I was never alone."

God is always there for me,

especially during times of despair.

And always when Satan is sitting on my shoulder

whispering lies into my ear.

Somehow I had gotten off track.

And I think part of my problem is the way

I isolate myself from the world.

Oh, I've got friends, but only a couple of close ones

that are physically near.

And I'm beginning to question why I keep it that way.

I have so many dear blogger friends

AND FAMILY, my sister, Joan, especially,

and my cousin, Melinda,

and I know that I could call either one of them

or the ones physically near,

if I needed to talk

or to be affirmed, but I would never do that.

I only tell J & M my deepest thoughts and feelings

though I have rarely ever called Joan when in the depths of despair.

Once? Twice??

And it has taken me YEARS to get to this point. Years of

suffering alone, of being afraid alone, before I would even tell them, 

or Annette, that I had a doctor's appointment. 

And I started doing that ONLY because one

of them verbally shook me by the shoulders!

I kept things to myself because I have always been

 fully aware that every one is fighting some kind of battle 

so I have wanted to keep my own struggles to myself.

It could always be worse is my mantra that I live by still.

The most important thing that I had lost sight of is that

I've got God and He is with me at all times.

It was scary when I lost sight of that.

I lifted my head to the heavens

and it brought me back to where I always am.

Well, except I do allow myself what I call

"moments".

Like after a doctor's visit

or yet another referral to a specialist.

Moments.

We're all allowed them.

Just don't make a habit out of them.

"Keep your eyes on the prize", as my youngest has always said.

And don't listen to Satan.

He lies.

*****10/2010: I have written this post on my side bar for one reason.

It's because I've really written it for me.

I doubt anyone will read it and that's okay.

I wanted a 'journal entry' about what I went through this week.

AND praise be to God!

1/2015: If you did find this post, thank you for taking the time to read it.

If you would like to leave a comment for me, please do.

I would love to know that you read it.

I hope it made sense to you as I did some creative cutting and pasting!

It takes a lot of guts to post this. I have NEVER let you see me so clearly; never

allowed you to look so deeply into my soul. This isn't me but I'm really tired of being 

alone in my own little corner in my own little room. 

(*that's from some show. Cinderella, I think)

To God be the glory!!,

                Jan

photos from Google photos and have no copyright on them to my knowledge unless indicated differently on the photo.

text in qoutes is from the book I'm reading and these passages were what I read just last night.

i'm reading The Last Thing I Remember by Andrew Klavan.

and I know without a doubt that God put this book in my hands.