I've never asked why me.

I've never wondered why me.

I've always felt blessed

no matter what kind of medical situation

I was dealing with

over the past six years.

Always realizing that someone else was facing

something much more serious

I didn't talk about what I was going through.

I haven't been one to complain,

I put on the "I'm fabulous" face.
I've suffered from clinical depression before

and being a psych major in college

and keeping up with my reading,

I'm well aware of the symptoms.

It's for those very reasons that I missed

the obvious this time.

I've been suffering horribly

this last year

with clinical depression.....again.
Why would I go months and months
suffering with what I knew were the
textbook symptoms of clinical depression
and not get help?
That's such a good question
and for these last many months I knew the reasons...
I've been on an anti-depressant since I
 was first diagnosed about five years ago.

How could I be so stupid?
How could I miss the obvious?
How could I have lived for so long
in such pain
and not realize that

At my yearly physical yesterday my wonderful doctor
listened to me as I sobbed my way through
how I've been feeling for so very long.
She listened to me tell her how
I have purposely isolated myself for over a year
from local friends and family.
How I've stopped involvement in local activities.
How I haven't wanted to get out of bed;
how when I do get out of bed I just want to sit.
how I haven't wanted to go anywhere;
be with anyone;
have lost a large part of my sense of humor.
The funny part.
I've kept only the sarcastic, biting part.
I've felt worthless;
I've screamed at God,
asking, why me?? why do I have to suffer??
why can't my feet work like they used to??
For over a year I have felt absolutely worthless,
yet I have tried my hardest not to let it show; 
those parts that I could hide.
I would rather people think I was lazy
and that was why I wasn't participating,
why I was skipping church
 week after week after week...
I would rather people think I was anything
but what I felt like I was - 

It's been easiest faking it online.
Until recently I haven't posted much on my blog,
not in months,
but that has been easy to excuse.
I've spent more time on Facebook 
and now that I look back I realize that
I told people about some of my medical
issues...on FACEBOOK.
When I realized that, I almost had a stroke.
I had been telling the world about
my medical issues?? What was I thinking???

When Debbie, my doctor, told me
I was exhibiting the classic textbook symptoms
of clinical depression, I argued with her.
There was no way I was depressed
because I was on a very large dose of 
my antidepressant as it is also used to 
help control my fibromyalgia pain.

There's a reason she's the doctor
and I'm not.
I may have kept up with my psych reading
but I haven't kept up with medicine.
I missed the obvious (again).
My antidepressant had stopped working
for me because I had been on it for so long.

Dr. D. has now added a drug to enable my 
anti-depressant to work like it should
and over time I should become the person
I know I can be.
The person I have been .
The person God made
and the person I've lost sight of.
It will take some time before I see an improvement,
but I am grateful for the light at the end of the tunnel.
...I don't expect anyone to read this.
These Page Two posts are for me.
They're my semi-private diary posts.
That's what my blog is - my diary.
And my Page Two posts are diary posts
about things that are important for me
to remember.
And, the reason they're accessible
to those who figure out that they are actual posts,
is because I know that God
wants certain people to find them
for whatever reason.
They're God Posts and
I'm the vessel.

This post is God telling you that if you
see yourself in this post,
if you are
experiencing the symptoms of
clinical depression,
go see your doctor.
There is no reason to live like you are;
clinical depression can be treated.
And if it's not treated,
you're not going to get any better.
It's an inbalance of chemicals in your brain.

I am exhausted after writing this.
I think I'll have a diet Cherry 7 Up
and sit here and look forward to
becoming the me that God made.
P.S. I suppose I should write this down so I don't forget it....Debbie told me that because I keep so much inside, that I don't have an outlet for how I'm feeling, is the reason that I experience some of the illnesses that I do. Therefore, and this is the part where I kicked and screamed, she's making me (Debbie's the ONLY person that can make me do anything) go to therapy.
I've been before, dealing with issues from my youth and my father, and I ended up not getting much out of that - the reason is pretty funny. (I need to write it down somewhere so I don't forget it) So she's putting me with this therapist that is an in your face, tell it like it is kind of person. She also said that she thinks I'll see a lot of myself in her.....I'm not sure how to take that! So, in April I will start therapy.
I already anticipate that it's going to be very painful. *sigh*
........all because Debbie's making me. *smile*


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