Saturday, May 12, 2012

OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD

Frank and I just lifted mom back into bed. What is it, 12:45 A.M.??
She had slipped off of the bed after going to the bathroom and sitting down on the bed to crawl back in and go back to sleep.
I have a monitor next to my bed on my nightstand so that I can hear if she needs me in the night. I barely heard her say my name. So much so that I had to stop reading and really listen to make sure I did hear her say my name.
She said it again and I knew she needed me.
I got that. "oh, God, no" feeling when I saw her sitting on the floor next to her bed.


She said the bed was slippery and she slipped off.
When I questioned that she said that the floor was slippery. She was barefoot and didn't have her slip on shoes on her feet so it may have seemed slippery.


But then I realized what had happened and as I type this I am looking at the screen through a blur of tears that threaten to slide over the edge of the lower lids of my eyes. The tears that have been sliding all over my face, mixing with the 'tears' coming out of my nose' until I got out of bed and got some tissues and sat down in front of my computer.


What had happened wasn't anything new..... 
My mom's walker was at the foot of her bed.
You see, she doesn't think she needs to use it, even when falling is getting to be a weekly thing around here.
But, really, is it her fault? She doesn't remember. Whose to say that she didn't just forget to use it all the way to the side of the bed so she wouldn't slip on that slippery bed or because of the slippery floor? Whose to say?
Oh, my poor mom. She wasn't hurt in this slide down to yet another dark place.
She simply sat there and whimpered and broke my heart all at the same time.


I got Frank up and we got her in bed and I felt so useless, so inadequate, not only as her caregiver, but as her daughter. I can't help it. 
It breaks my heart to hear my mom moan with defeat. To be back in the place she visits too often where she has no hope of her life getting better. 


As time goes on, week by week and sometimes day by day, I see the decline in her memory as I see the progression of her confusion. I want to scream that it's not fair, but I know that life's not fair. 


If I didn't have the arms of Jesus to crawl into at night after I turned off my Kindle and turned off my light, I think I would have lost my mind by now. My God. He is my savior in so many ways. And, He's the One I call out to in my mind during the day when things are gloomy, when she will only watch HGTV (I keep reminding myself that I cannot jump through the t.v. and smack that woman, that wife, who is whining because she doesn't like the granite counter tops in the kitchen of the house she's being shown. Really? Would she like my laminate ones better?), mom's being mean, hiding her food in her napkin, keeps telling me that I'm too happy, continuously looks through magazines for just the right Christmas gifts for all of us. 


I've stopped crying and I think if I read for a bit more I'll be able to go to sleep.
Oh, wait. Maybe not.
My nose is impacted. 


I know that getting my feelings down on paper has helped me. My blog is my diary and there are just times that you have to write in your diary. I'm just very thankful this wasn't a Page 2 post because it could have easily been one.


If you read this, thanks for taking the time.
I either have a lot of lurkers or only about six people that read me any more.
Now I'm crying again. . . . . .jk


Night and God bless!, J.T.


P.S. Mom has been put on an appetite enhancer and, boy howdy, has it made a difference!
She is eating wonderfully now! Yea!!

9 comments:

vicki said...

Jan- I think about you all the time-- this new adventure in your life- this confusing place that your Mother has slipped into- the emotional upheaval that everyday has become-- and the way your heart hurts to see this happen to your Mother - knowing that really you can't do anything to stop it from happenening. Just know that I care- tgat I love you- that God has a plan--
Love
Vicki

just me... jan said...

Dearest Jan...you're not alone in this struggle...we're facing these same issues with my husband's mother...it IS a struggle! I'm keepin' you in a special spot in my heart darlin'!

just me...the "other" jan

Mad Red Hare said...

Oh my friend, I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending you some hugs.

Stacy/Creativemuse said...

Jan, Love to you an Mom and take a breath that's what GOD would want you to do. YOU ARE doing TREMENDOUSLY! This is small. Thank GOD He wants you to be good to yourself no beating yourself up now! I have gotten myself a membership to LUMOSITY.com There is a testimonial for a daughter getting it for her mom to help with Dementia. IT helps your BRAIN! I'm using it due to lack of memory after birthing 4 kids and having a very blessed and busy life with them.

CEDAR JUNCTION said...

Your Mom is so fortunate to have you. We are going through something similar with my husband's Mom. Poor girl. She is up north of Austin and we see her as often as we can. She is currently in the hospital. A couple of her other children are caring for her.

Enjoy the time you have. There are good days and bad days but they are all special.

Know that you are surrounded in prayer.

Love, Teresa

Melinda said...

RDFF, you know i remember how it feels to want so badly to make it better for your momma. and to watch things spiral out of control in spite of hoping and praying and doing everything you can possibly do to try to fix it. the truth of the matter is that while the love and prayers and encouragement of those who love you and your mom help to lift your spirits and carry your through, this is your journey to travel. you are the one living this nightmare every day. oh i remember and my heart just aches for you my sweet. i. am. so. sorry. tears brim over my lower lids as well . . . i love you. one week.

Bettyann said...

dear friend.I am sending you lots of hugs :) Have you thought what you will do if your Mom's condition becomes worse and you really are unable to care her? Know that many of us are sending positive prayers and thoughts your way. xxxx

Jann said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My mother has dementia, also--it's very bad at times, but she does not have Alzheimer's, so I know others have a much rougher time than I and my sisters do. I will keep you all in my prayers . . .

deb musick said...

Hi Jan! Remember me? We met at the KC Willis seminar in Ft. Worth. I got big tears in my eyes as I red your blog today. It reminded me so much of my sweet mother. She has been gone for 7 years now. As much as I hated where we both were during those last few years, I sometimes wish I could have just a little bit more time with her. I know she wouldn't understand what i was saying--how much I loved her and needed her--but she would be giving me the opportunity to say it one more time. Bless you, dear girl. You are not alone. There are so many of us who have or will go through this. Bless you!

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