Thursday, January 15, 2015

DESPAIR.....AM I REALLY WORTHLESS?

Written once, now posted twice.
I originally wrote this post
in October of 2010 and posted it on "page 2" of my blog
which is very rarely seen by my readers.
This evening I received an email from a reader 
that read this post just yesterday and left me her feelings.
God spoke to me, I could hear him, as he urged me
 to finally post Despair on Page 1.

My reader's comments and my feelings after I re-read this post
tonight are what decided it for me. 
I could have written most of the original post
today. It is the same story, four years later.
I'm still fighting the good fight
and tripping over the obstacles, deep holes, 
relationships, valleys so deep the sun never shines,
 and even more chronic diseases to
add to my already overflowing list of "adventures"............
I'm going to re-post now, but am going to cut away the 
parts of the original post (which you can find on Page 2 -
look on the right hand side of my blog to find Page 2), 
that don't apply to today's story.....And so I begin........

I am so tired.

I am so tired of feeling tired.
When I think about how vibrant and active I was before my health started
 it's slide down the slippery, muddy hill of 'bad health', sometimes I cry. 

Not always. 

Most of the time I'm okay with where ever I am in life 
because of my unfaltering faith in the Lord
and my knowledge that it could always be worse.

But, let's face it, we all, all believers, doubt Him at some time. 
I'm very blessed and in knowing that I am able to keep my eyes on the Lord.
I've been through some horrible things 
and I've never lost sight of the Lord.
I would never falter.
Most days.

 ............I had a day three weeks ago where I felt despair.

"It's a funny thing when despair gets to you. 
It doesn't even feel like despair.
You don't think to yourself,
Oh, I have no hope.
Oh, I give up.
Oh, there's nothing I can do.

That's just every day complaining.
That's just feeling sorry for yourself.

Real despair is different.

It creeps up on you in disguise.

It comes as a kind of sleepiness,
a kind of heavy sadness that weighs you down.

It makes you lazy."

....."I didn't say to myself:
Don't give up.

I didn't say:
.....Never give in.

I didn't really say anything to myself.....
I was just too tired......"

............A weird and terrible thought began to work its way into my mind."

You're worthless.
You are just a sick, lazy woman
who isn't any good for any one.
The only reason anyone loves you
is because you're sick.
You're a DUTY, a PAIN.
You are such a BURDEN.
Your life is a joke.

"The thought was kind of like a whisper,
as if someone invisible were crouching next to me with his lips to my ear,
whispering very low.
The whisper was so low I didn't really even hear the words at first.
Slowly, they just sort of worked their way into my consciousness
until I was aware of them."

............"I rolled up into a sitting position.
I held my head in my hands and ...cried.
It was then that the despair rose up inside me with its true face.

That laziness,

that heavy sadness,

that sleepy passivity,

...the hopelessness that had crept up on me.

Now it was here in full force -

a horrible feeling,

a twisting, hollow anguish of despair."

I clasped my hands in front of my mouth.

"I wanted to pray.
I tried.
But I couldn't.
I couldn't even do that.
I was too afraid; that accusing whisper continued
to speak to me.

...I was afraid because I thought that
I might deserve  everything 
that was happening to me.

I was afraid to pray,
but I had to do something
and that was all I could think of.
I pressed my clasped hands hard against my mouth.
I bit into them.
I forced the words into my mind.

Please God.
Help me.
I'm beaten.
I admit it.
I'm lost.
I've got nothing left.
Please.
Help."

When I thought about 
what had happened.
I thought about it for a very long time.
Disecting it in an effort to understand.

And you know what?
"That sleepy sadness I had felt -
that passivity and despair -
they were gone suddenly."

I remember how I had prayed earlier.
How I'd thought there'd been no answer.
I was wrong.

I understood now.

It can be crazy hard.

To keep your faith,
to keep going.

It can be harder than I ever would have imagined.
Sometimes things happen to you, 
really bad things that aren't fair,
things that make you feel so terrible ...about yourself.

Sometimes you feel like there's no one to turn to,
and you're all alone and so scared you
can hardly move and so tired you just want to
curl up in a ball and go to sleep forever."

...I think in some way I had been training for this time my whole life.
I'd been training every day, even in the simple things.
I trained to keep my mind sharp when I was in school.
I trained to keep my spirit strong by going to church,
or when I prayed by myself, 
it was a kind of training:

I was training to remember that I was not alone.
I was never alone."

God is always there for me,
especially during times of despair.
And always when Satan is sitting on my shoulder
whispering lies into my ear.
Somehow I had gotten off track.
And I think part of my problem is the way
I isolate myself from the world.
Oh, I've got friends, but only a couple of close ones
that are physically near.
And I'm beginning to question why I keep it that way.

I have so many dear blogger friends
AND FAMILY, my sister, Joan, especially,
and my cousin, Melinda,
and I know that I could call either one of them
or the ones physically near,
if I needed to talk
or to be affirmed, but I would never do that.

I only tell J & M my deepest thoughts and feelings
though I have rarely ever called Joan when in the depths of despair.
Once? Twice??
And it has taken me YEARS to get to this point. Years of
suffering alone, of being afraid alone, before I would even tell them, 
or Annette, that I had a doctor's appointment. 
And I started doing that ONLY because one
of them verbally shook me by the shoulders!

I kept things to myself because I have always been
 fully aware that every one is fighting some kind of battle 
so I have wanted to keep my own struggles to myself.
It could always be worse is my mantra that I live by still.

The most important thing that I had lost sight of is that
I've got God and He is with me at all times.
It was scary when I lost sight of that.

I lifted my head to the heavens
and it brought me back to where I always am.

Well, except I do allow myself what I call
"moments".
Like after a doctor's visit
or yet another referral to a specialist.

Moments.
We're all allowed them.
Just don't make a habit out of them.
"Keep your eyes on the prize", as my youngest has always said.
And don't listen to Satan.
He lies.

*****10/2010: I have written this post on my side bar for one reason.
It's because I've really written it for me.
I doubt anyone will read it and that's okay.
I wanted a 'journal entry' about what I went through this week.
AND praise be to God!

1/2015: If you did find this post, thank you for taking the time to read it.
If you would like to leave a comment for me, please do.
I would love to know that you read it.
I hope it made sense to you as I did some creative cutting and pasting!
It takes a lot of guts to post this. I have NEVER let you see me so clearly; never
allowed you to look so deeply into my soul. This isn't me but I'm really tired of being 
alone in my own little corner in my own little room. 
(*that's from some show. Cinderella, I think)

To God be the glory!!,
                Jan

photos from Google photos and have no copyright on them to my knowledge unless indicated differently on the photo.
text in qoutes is from the book I'm reading and these passages were what I read just last night.
i'm reading The Last Thing I Remember by Andrew Klavan.
and I know without a doubt that God put this book in my hands.

11 comments:

Rhonda said...

God Bless You Jan. Sharing is so hard for me, as well. I'm so happy your sadness left and pray it never returns. The power of prayer never ceases to amaze me. Sending lots of prayer your way. Keep your creative mind busy my friend. xo Rhonda

Unknown said...

Even though friends may not be close, share those tough moments. We need each other. Have I ever told you that you are my hero? Oh wait, there is a song about that. (Be glad you can't hear me sing!)
Love ya,
Beth

Diva Kreszl said...

I love that you chose to share this with such real, raw emotion. I too have felt that despair, despite knowing in my heart thatGod is with me. I have come to believe that those of us who feel great joy are also capable of feeling intense pain and loss. While those moments, days or weeks of despair are difficult I would not change them for the flip side is that I am also capable of seeing great beauty around me, feeling intense love and finding joy in the simple everyday moments.

Joan Sanborn said...

<3 YOU

Patty said...

Jan, it can't have been easy to write this. Going through it must be hell. But you're on the right track, and I pray that you are carried by God every step of the way. Bless you.

Erica of Golden Egg Vintage said...

Yes I read it, and boy did I identify with every single word! You're far braver than I, and I'm proud of you!
You're doing things to help yourself, and even helping others along the way!
Bless You-
Erica

John Thomason said...

There's a lot of very profound truth in what you have written. It's a blog that a lot of people could benefit from reading, whether their lives are easy (and they take that for granted) or they are as burdened with illness as you have been lately (and need to know they are not alone). Do you mind if I share your blog in print with a couple of people at church? Anonymously, if you wish. I can just say a friend wrote it. My Sunday school class has recently studied a book about finding God in the "Dark Places" of our lives. Your article gives a lot of first person insight into what that's like. Meanwhile, take care of yourself and keep fighting the good fight. You are loved and appreciated! And are darned amazing in many ways. Love, Your "favorite" BIL John

ihaveagoodlife said...

I read this at the perfect time, when the weight of my own decisions is heavier than ever. It was a nice reminder that with a simple prayer that weight can be so much lighter. Also, I still keep your card on my desk as a daily reminder to not only be kind, but to remember that everyone has a battle and mine could definitely be worse.

Thank you for always being such a role model to me, even on your worst days you're one of the most incredible women I know.

Love you,
Taylor

Susanne said...

First visit here.....well worth the travel! I not only GET IT! i too relate well!! God Bless YOU for sharing what most of us are afraid to put into print!! GOD BE WITH YOU...Susanne

Rose ~Victorian Rose ~ said...

Dear Jan, I wrote a post, and lost it !!!
I too have your same "condition"...along with Fibromyalgia..and have had a number of the other annoying offshoots that go along with it.
I plan to learn MORE about how YOU cope with your day to day issues. I have not read the rest of your blog yet, but plan to soon.
At nearly 80 years of age, it is hard to get around anymore, but too am GRATEFUL for the movement that I do have left.
But I SO understand about feeling of isolation from "life" as you describe...and as I once knew it.
I only post of my blog on some of the days that I am feeling better.
I am a first time visitor. I believe God led me here today, and plan to keep up with you as often as I am able.

Love, Rose
http://delightfulclutter.blogspot.com/

Rose ~Victorian Rose ~ said...

Jan, I was simply too tired to read your enire post this AM.
Just got "over" Shingles..and am so surprised in how weak I am, after not being able to do much.... other than "lay around" and hurt. Being nearly 80, I don't bounce back like I use to... I can tell my muscles are going "south" on me in just these past 3 weeks.
You are brave and wonderful for posting your feelings, most people who do not understand "disabilty"and chronic pain issues...just can't "get it" it seems....but WE who do...understand PERFECTLY.

With Love, Rose

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