Friday, March 4, 2011

DEATH BY GOAT....OR.....I DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' MAN

Now, now, put your tissue up, I lived to tell the story - the goats did not win.
I won and that's why I kinda wanted to name this post, "I DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' MAN".
That's because I beat me some goats by myself.
The Tank? Out of town for the day.

Picture this.....I'm sound asleep *probably not more than 5 or 5:30 am ;)*
and in comes my mom. She tells me that all of the goats
were out and that they were in the swimming pool.
I turn my head enough to mutter back to dear mother, "They're IN the pool??".

"Well, no, but they're all around the pool and what if they want a drink??"
"They'll drown."
The goats loved getting some sun at the pool and no one fell in.
(thought bubble) 'Right.'

I slowly rise out of bed and stumble into the bathroom,
get dressed, take my meds and brush my teeth.
You see, I was real concerned.
The front yard was full of goats, too.
Evidence that the goats were in the yard.
Just outside of the yard.
I was so glad that my table and chairs were still standing!
See that corner??
Several of those sneaky goats tried to blend in and hide there.
I went outside and all of the goats were at the pool, in the yard, outside of the yard, everywhere they weren't supposed to be.
They should have been in a pasture by the barn.

Frank wasn't on the place
and all I had for a ranch hand would be.......my mother.
So, basically.......I was alone.

I got the bucket, a plastic Maxwell coffee can.
(You see, if you're a real rancher you don't need fancy metal buckets.
You just use what's in the trash.)
I filled the bucket with goat feed and got them all into the pasture.
The infamous plastic Maxwell coffee bucket.
No man.
No ranch hand.

No mother.
I did it all by myself.
I don't need no stinkin' man.

However, after it was all over,
what I did need was a change of clothes 
and a shower.

Oh, not because I broke a sweat.
Come on, I am woman.
"BACK OFF, BILLY!!.....BILLY!! BACK OFF!!.........Ohhhhh, Billy!
The problem was that, well, the billy (proud man goat)
rubbed up against me.

So?????
Well, let's see, how do I put this?
Why do I share it at all?
I share it because it's a fact that all should know
in case you are ever caught in the middle of a goat herd.

To attract the fetching female goats for a date
(yes, they date)
the male goat goes through a, well, a ritual......
Billy lowers his head between his front legs
and, well, oh gosh, this is so hard.....
Okay, I'm just going to say it.....
Billy lowers his head between his front legs
and he, okay, he pees on his head.

There I said it.
I know, it's quite vile.
AND, it's the truth. (I know!)
And, since this isn't smell-a-blog
then you aren't getting the real feel for this act.
IT. IS. SO. BAD. THAT. IF. BILLY. CORNERS. YOU......
AND. RUBS. UP. AGAINST. YOU......
you must immediately change your clothes
AND take a shower.
And, I mean IMMEDIATELY.
Oh, it is soooo, soooo disgusting.

Alrighty then, I made it through being ranch hand for a day
and had a renewed sense of appreciation
for what the Tank does.

Babies love the confines of a tight area.
Milling around acting like they had done nothing wrong.
Just like a goat.
As a matter of fact,
later that very day I had that sense of appreciation
all over.....as those damn darn goats got out again.
And, that 2nd time two of the teenagers,
males (was there any question?),
decided that they didn't want to be corralled.
After about 45 minutes I got them in threatening them that
 I could just shoot them.
Look at that precious little male juvenile delinquent.
I warned all of them as I was walking
through the herd to go back to the house
that I would bring my gun (yes, I have a gun)
with me the next time.

I feel certain they got the message
and I don't expect any problems in the future.
it's hard to see the red arrow,
but it's pointing at one of my ideas of their escape routes.

Goat ranching??
Easy peasy.


Thanks for taking the time to read my blog!!    
I really enjoy all of your comments so if you
want to leave one, I'd love it!

           Jan

Nothing much cuter than a baby goat.

15 comments:

Robin said...

What a brave soul you are!

Hugs,
Robin

The Smith Hotel said...

Wow! I'm just tired reading about all that goat herding! Glad they all made it back in safe!

xoxo,
Jody

romanticdomestic said...

Too funny! You go girl!

I have a similar pig story...chased the stupid thing for hours...I told the little oinker I would put a pellet in him ...my ex begged me not to kill his pig. LOL. I didn't.

My ex was a hunter. It seemed every time he went hunting one of the darn cows would get out of the pasture...Grrr

Long story made short, I live in the city now with a hubby that isn't into farm life.

Thanks for the laugh!

Janie
Romantic Domestic

Bettyann said...

you are one crazy rancher....lol

Attic Rat said...

If I ever see any runaway goats, I now know who to call.

Did anyone say "cabrito"?

SMiles,
Teresa

Outofmymind said...

Kid's these days!!!! At least you made all of us giggle!!!

Heather said...

LOL! How funny! I can just picture you threatening them!

Sweetina said...

Another Laugh till the tears roll down my cheek post!
Those crafty teen goats!!!
The babies are really adorable, you're right!
Now I know what my mother meant when she would say my sheep skin maxi coat smelled like "A wet Billy Goat" when it was constantly raining in london!But~whoa!!!
xoxoxoTina

Lynn Richards said...

Have MERCY!!!!! I had no idea a male goat would do such a vile thing. How many goats do you actually have? It looks like a LOT! I could send you my dog. She might help you herd goats. She goes like lightening after rabbits and cats...
xo
lynn

alteredstatesstudio said...

the little goats are looking pretty cute...but, i will definitely know better from now on!! this is also why i'm a city girl....awesome story of true woman power at its best! you go girl!! no stinkin men.... ;o)

xoxo,
kristin

Artzy Heart said...

I'm still laughing...what a way you have for telling a funny story! The closest I ever got to a goat was when I took our children to a petting zoo. That thing was trying to eat my shoelaces while my shoes were still on my feet! And they really WERE stinky!

Robin said...

i've read this several times now and giggle every time... it's true--you can smell billys for a looooong way away, especially if the wind is right...
and I would have loved a photo of the goaties lounging in the pool... IN the pool!
Makes me wonder how your mom knew they were there!!!
mwahahahahaa!!

jessica said...

AH! Goats are more capable than any other livestock animal I've dealt with to bring you such delight and joy AND a seething, boiling, rage. They are incredible little creatures.

I have to say that just ONE shower is probably not enough. My husband has accused me 3 DAYS and 2 SHOWERS later of still smelling like the Bucks (ours were named Rasputin and Merlin. pretty good names I think). I'd come back from work for lunch and people wouldn't sit on the same side of the lunch table as me!
I did learn one little trick, though. If you use HOMEMADE animal fat and lye based soap, the good stuff, then it comes right off. The clothes, though have to be washed in hot water.

I'm so glad you found my blog! I wont use it that much, probably, but I'm glad we can be blog friends now!

Charlene said...

Did you burn the clothes??????? YUCK!!!!!!!!!!! Nasty creatures! I hope hubby took you out to dinner after that! HUGS!
Charlene

Artistic Diva said...

I just found your blog and I am hooked. I absolutely love goats. There, I said it. Goats are wonderful animals and funny, too.

At one time in my younger days, I too lived out on property, had a gun, and had goats. What a fun time.

I'll be back to read more. Thanks for reminding me about just how much I love goats.

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