SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN A COMPASS!!

This is day two on my drive back home from Michigan.
I'm not ready to post about the trip yet, but I do have a funny story to tell and it's too long for Facebook, so y'all win:)

The day started out nicely - I grabbed my double espresso from the gas station while I filled the car, turned on my phone's GPS and headed out of town.
I had stayed in Hopkinsville, Tennessee, last night, and as I started out of town I was a little curious as to the route I was being sent on by Jana, my current GPS "girl".

You see, since my GPS voice is a woman's, I named my GPS after a woman in my family.....Oh, Jana isn't the first.....she's the third.
The first was Carly (after my niece) but it seems that "Carly" had a drinking problem and was continuously showing up to work drunk and unable to give me the correct directions.
So, as hard as it was, I fired her behind (felt kinda good). 
I hired "Mother" (after my mom) next and was to be disappointed yet again.
Seems she has a problem with the bubbly and I couldn't count on her either.

The hardest part was that in my new "safe" Tonka (Tonka yellow Nissan) I don't have a stinkin' compass. So, even if my GPS shows up to work sober, I STILL don't have my compass.
Would someone PLEASE buy me a compass for my new "safe" car??

.....Back to task - my newest GPS girl is Jana (after my DIL). She's been doing quite a good job and I've been very pleased. I really thought I had found a young adult with the sense of responsibility needed to be an effective GPS girl.
Well, it seems she has simply been able to hide a serious drug problem.....until today.
It took me TWO HOURS......................TWO. HOURS. .......................to get out of the Hopkinsville wilderness this morning.
Oh, I fired her before the first hour was over, I was so disappointed.
So, there I was with no GPS girl and no compass.
Are you seein' my problem??

I finally made my way out of the maze and headed south.
I'll continue the trip without a GPS girl as I mull over whom to hire next - I'm definitely going outside of the family.
The compass?? Well, seems I always think of one when I NEED one and that's in the middle of no where, so someone is going to have to buy this woman a compass!

The day picked up this afternoon when my little girl, Skyler, called to give me an update on her dog, Sooner.
Sooner had a 104 degree temperature and wouldn't walk on one of her legs yesterday so they (she and her husband, Brian) took her to the emergency clinic last night and got antibiotics and some pills or something for her.
Today Sooner is doing better.

Skyler said that when she came home at lunch that Sooner was standing up in her CRATE and barked a couple of times.
I said, "She's still in a crate??"

Skyler knows how I feel about crate training dogs - it's not my favorite thing (anyone that strongly disagrees with my stand should send all letters, emails and comments to Oprah).
I understand that sometimes it's necessary and Skyler and I tease back and forth about it.

Skyler said, "She's comfortable in the crate. She came to us crate trained and it keeps her out of trouble. She's got lots of room."

I said, "If you had a bird would you keep it in a cage??"

*L-O-O-O-O-O-O-NG MOMENT OF SILENCE*
..............and then we both bust out laughin'.

It was sooooo funny!
I don't know if you had to be there - you might think so if you have never heard me talk, but if you have then you can hear me sayin' all of that and maybe it would be funnier.
Oh, alright, I THINK it might be funnier to you because I thought it was cuh-razy funny when it happened.

So, that was my day.
That a glass of complimentary wine at the hotel when I got here.

Love you more!
   Jan

TRUE STORY

True story or not, I thought this was funny, but you know that sometimes the true stories may be objectionable to some because sometimes that's how life is. But, knowing my readers, I don't think anyone is going to be offended - this is one of those true stories that is funny.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this', said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

She smiled and said, 'What do you have to lose?? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, 'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish ? '

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, 'OK, cowpunch, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF*** He turned into a tampon. True story.



The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.



Now tell me, did I make any of you darlings smile?

xoxo,