Friday, January 4, 2013

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Profound, huh. My title.
I have spent so many hours trying to think of a name for this post that those hours have turned into days which have turned into weeks. And, I apologize for my tardiness though in some respects I have welcomed the time afforded to me that I did not have to pen this post.

I know that if you're reading this post that you've most likely been reading the others about my mom's dementia, moving to the ranch last January, 24/7 caregiver, moving on to memory care, being with her 8 hours every day.

And then October 2012 rolls in.
What's odd is that I haven't posted since May 2012.
Not really odd because taking care of mom got harder and harder every week as she declined further and further. That left little time for anything else.

But, back to October.
That's when I should have written to you.
That's when my sweet mother passed.
October 12, 2012.
I was there with her, sitting at the head of her bed, when she died.
That day and the day before continue to be very surreal to me.

She was progressing steadily in her dementia decline and then the end of September, she started failing much faster. Then she was dying and after about 1 1/2 days, she was gone.
Not lost.
Just gone.
She has gone on to heaven. I'll be with her again. We'll be able to continue the fun we had here on earth with some differences.
Jesus. God.

That's what I hold on to. Because I don't think anyone ever gets through the death of someone they love as dearly as I love my mom.

One day at a time. One breakdown at a time. One prayer at a time.

God bless all of you, especially my lurkers,
Jan

5 comments:

Bettyann said...

Thinking of you Jan...just lost a beloved Uncle on New Year's Eve....take care

Tracy said...

So sorry for your loss...

My 87 yr old grandfather has started showing signs of dementia over the past year ... so sad!
I am the oldest of his 3 grandchildren, one of my visits to see him, I could tell he was looking at me puzzled as to who I was. Then he said "Ohhh look who came to see me, my niece". Broke my heart because it has always been known to everyone because he always told that I was his favorite. :)

I wish comfort for your broken heart .... I'll say a prayer for you.

Patricia Hoover said...

I will NOT feed your ego! LOLOL... NO! You cannot make me.

I will tell you that I love that you confidently speak of your mama in the present tense... you "love" her, not that you "loved" her. I too, do this and for the same reason. She is merely away from me at the present time, as is your mom.

You probably don't remember that my mom went to Jesus Thanksgiving weekend two years ago. That translates into three Christmases ago which totally blows me away. I think I am just now finally giving up that she is really gone. We have celebrated all three of the Christmas at home in PC...around the tree that we put up two evenings before she passed on. Yes ~ we are weird! LOL For my siblings and I it is comforting to be able to GO HOME.

I love you...and I know how your heart feels. AOT.

vicki said...

Bless your heart sweet friend-
I know this has been such an emotional year for you-- such a loss is just not easily put to rest. Time-- and more time-- that is what it will take to ease the pain.

I hope this New Year brings you comfort and moments if joy--

Thank you for my beautiful card :)

Love
Vicki

Robin said...

Wish you all good things in 2013 Jan! I see some fun shopping trips in your future :)

Hugs,
Robin

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