Saturday, October 25, 2008


I've been wrestling all day with sharing some things with y'all - before I get into all of that, look at this photo. It's my mother. She has always thought that she looks like a boy in this picture, but I think she looks like, well, like 'her'. And, look closely - you can see that she's holding the locket on the necklace around her neck.
Of course, I love this picture. I adore it.

What I've been wrestling with is sharing with y'all how bad yesterday really was for me. I have been skimming over my feelings about all that has happened to my mother when posting because
I am quite aware that I'm not the first one to deal with an elderly (she would kill me for using that word! LOL) parent's health issues.
So, why should I give what I'm going through credence by blogging about it, by telling y'all?
I decided that I should because, first of all, there are those of you that haven't dealt with aging parents and health issues and maybe what I'm going through can help you in some way.
And, also because this is my blog, my diary of sorts, and I can write about what I want to write about - ewww, a little attitude caused by stress. LOL

Yesterday was hard in that it was another day of watching my mom act like she's on morphine.
Which she is, I know that.
I'm not THAT stressed.
Watching her doze, see things that aren't there (a bug - oh gosh, if there really was a bug there, please let it not be a june bug), doze, refuse to eat, doze, drink very little, doze, and for some reason, yesterday she had to go to the bathroom (or felt like she did) at least 12 times during the day.
It was an exhausting day though not that unusual of one since I got here on Tuesday night.

So, when the night nurse got here at 10:30, I went to bed very willingly.
I read for a long bit (Water for Elephants - it's soooooo good), crunched my nightly glass of ice as I read (pure heaven), finished reading, turned out the light and settled down into the soft bed under the fluffy comforter (remember, I'm in Michigan where it's already winter).
Ohhhh, it felt so good.
I said my nighttime prayers which I usually fall asleep saying and laid there thinking about the day and all that my mom had been going through.
It was then that I started to sob.
I just started sobbing. No warning. No toilet paper.
I cried for what seemed like forever, but, in reality, just long enough to soak my pillow, puff my eyes completely closed and impact my nose with snot.
I was so sad.
It hurts me so badly to see my mom not be my mom. Does that make sense?
And, I am well aware that I'm not the first, nor will I be the last, adult child to go through this. . . .so, when your best friend, or a person that goes to your church, or a neighbor, goes through something like this, pray really hard for them.
Pray for them, cook for them, why aren't you cooking for me?, help take care of their family, hug them, and do favors for them without having to first be asked.

Y'all have been so wonderful to me - your post comments and your emails.
Thank you for caring enough about me to care about my mother.



mom is doing so much better today! she actually did quite well yesterday, also. She's been eating some (praise God), focusing, watching a bit of television(we just finished watching The Price is Right - it reminded me of the boys when they were young - they loved that show.), visiting, had a bath, and is wearing clothes instead of p.j.'s today!
I'm so excited about how she looks and is acting.

Praise God and thank you for praying.

And, after I finish this post p.s., i'm going to find that paper and glitter i brought with me! woooooooo hoooooooo!!!
I am so blessed with my family and friends. All y'all have been so darling. I cannot thank you enough for your prayers. Just keep on prayin'!

xoxo, jan


Pam Warden Art said...

What a SWEET photo. Oh, I love it. She was a doll! You could just see little fairy wings on her.
I did cook for you but you didn't show up for dinner. It was chili :-)
Hugs and many, many prayers,
p.s. I'm not the Weather girl or anything but just for a heads up: it's not winter yet, you are just spoiled by the lovely Texas weather. Come on back (when your mom is back to herself) in 2 months-HA. I dare you.

Lisa Gallup said...

The feelings you are having are VERY normal, and there is no need to apologize for them! My Mom died of pancreatic cancer a year and a half ago. She went through 17 months of fighting it. I knew others had gone through things exactly like this, I knew I was lucky to have had my mom as long as I did, I knew I was blessed to have used those 17 months to really reconnect with my mom. But I still cried and raged and cried some more - sometimes something LITTLE would set me off and I'd be crying about my mom again. She and I BOTH hated that she had become the child and I, the parent. (((hugs))) and remember that it's okay to cry and feel sad/mad/helpless all at the same time!

Tina said...

Big hugs hon, and lots of prayers going up from here!!!

Angela Rae said...

Well, I shouldn't have read your update because I am trying to study for a test and now you got me crying! Know that you are loved, your mom is loved, and that in her elderly state, that is not the end of her life and your life together as we know it on earth... but it still hurts, I know, and I'm not trying to be preachy... sorry if it sounds like I am... we will be perfected and together forever, just remember... Love you Jan, wish I could give you a hug in person... and it's okay to cry! Lots of Love, Angela

Carol Stocker said...

Hi Pinkie! What a lovely photo of your mom...if you haven't already, you should use it in your art. She's pray-shus!

Sadness has a way of slipping in at the most unusual times...but I do think that it had a cleansing effect on you and how wonderful that your mom felt like taking a shower and putting on clothes. That's wonderful news.

Sending you love, prayers and hugs. Your friend, Carol

Loudlife said...

What a doll she is in that photo!

I sure feel for you, sweetie. It's such a tough position to be in - especially when you have to be far from home at the same time. I think it's even harder when you keep things in - breaking down and writing about it are both activities designed to keep you sane and healthy yourself. Even if they're painful and sad processes, you need them. I'm honored that you chose to share your experience with us.

I'm so thrilled that your mom is now feeling better. I remember going through this several times with my grandmother and how my body just let go and relaxed when she started behaving normally again.

I think of you every day,

Shelly said...

hi jan, just got your email and caught up on all of your posts! Sweet picture of your mother. I will keep praying for her and you. I can't imagine how emotional this is for you, never having gone through this myself. Continue allowing God to be the source of everything you need and keep sharing on your blog! I read this in my bible study this week - "Your life can send a powerful message of the amazing relationship a person can have with God. Even when you're spiritually and emotionally weak, God can use you to redeem the lives of those around you."

hugs and blessings
Shelly :)

Blaiz said...

Sweet Jan, why shouldn't you blog about your mom and what you're both going through? We love you, so we care about your mom, too, and we want to hear about what's going on, both the good and the bad.

It's good that you allowed yourself to cry. God gave us the ability to shed tears for a good reason!

I continue to pray for you and your mom -- fierce prayers as you asked for -- and sending healing love to you both.


pinkkandy said...

Could not figure out how to comment on your last is touched my heart....I think it is great that you are talking about what you are going through....I do know that feeling...your Mom not being your Mom..cast all your cares on HIM because HE cares for you

Mad Red Hare said...

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I lost my dad almost a year, very unexpectedly, and it is still almost unbearable. I too cry without warning, it is frustrating!

Deirdra Doan said...

Hi Jan, just came by to say hi and saw your post...what a beauty your mom is....I am glad she is better!!!
We love our many of us I went through it with my dear mom to.
But made it through.

Well I have a little something to bring giggles and Christmas Cheer! I know it's 1 month before it really starts but had to post this early.
I wrote a little old fashion Christmas Song and made a Video!! Wow both firsts. It was like making a mixed media piece...hope it cheers you, the blond beauty sitting by the tree with her sisters in the video is my is on my blog. But please leave a comment on my youtube site...
(the giggles is a lady in her 50's dressed like a little girl muse!)

Blessings and my prayers for you and sweetie Mom.
LOL, Deirdra

PS one year ago you helped me get my blog up!!!Happy Anniversary and thank you so much!!

sammy said...

Jan, it must be so hard to see your mom like this.... I so wish I lived closer I could cook for you... not much, but hey we wouldn't starve.. Just always try and rember Jesus is right with you, he is holding you and your mom and Morphine is a good thing! Any time you need anything you just need to reach how and hear his so sweet voice say "Jan, I am here, talk to me, cry on my shoulder, I will holdd you for ever! Your mom is in my arms! Cradled in my love"

Blessed Lord! Thank you for this!


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