MOVE! BUSY THOSE HANDS! BUSY YOUR MIND!

 Move, Jan!

Busy those hands, Jan!

Busy your mind, Jan!

 And it will free your spirit for prayer.

Your fears, your longings, your troubles, they won't disappear,

but, you'll be able to hear God as he encourages you.

And, you'll remember to allow him to carry your burdens.

 And, that's what I did.

I started with the Creepy Doll room

and moved on to the living room bookshelves.

 I removed all of the books

except my Bobbsey Twins and

the Tank's Texas history books.

 I rummaged around in my

'needs to be listed on Etsy' cabinets,

in sacks in the garage

and found enough wonderful things to fill the shelves. 

 A few of the things are family heirlooms

such as my grandpa's pocket watch and

Thomason Civil War Bibles.

But, most came from my 'stores'.

 I'm not finished yet.

I'm going to turn the books around

so that the yellowed pages show, not the spines.

That will be my first move in my resolve

to fill my bookcases with creams, tea stained, and dirty whites.

That's the look I'm going for in this big re-do.

 But, for now I am happy enough with the look.

It was important that the changes I made

didn't involve spending any money

and I accomplished that.

 The most important thing that I've accomplished

in the bookcase make-over

is that it's kept my mind busy.

 Seriously?

When I'm idle Satan is able to balance on my shoulder

and whisper his lies in my ear.

 Jesus is holding me up this week

as I deal with my Brittany's serious car accident.

 She's better.

Her pelvic bone is fractured but no surgery needed.

Lots of P.T. and non-wieght bearing right leg for 3 months.

Her liver will heal.

I know why.

Why she's doing so well.

Oh, I'm not saying that she's

not in horrid pain, because at times she is in pain.

A lot of pain.

But, the precious Lord is being bombarded with prayers.

Prayers from those of us who love her

and prayers from other believers.

He hears them all so keep praying.

Please.

Because she will heal and your prayers will help.

You know what?

I can't imagine how I would handle life

without my faith.

How do they do it??

Praise the Lord.

I love you.

You're so, so special to me.

JAN

My Brittany ("Brat")

A GLIMPSE INTO THE HEART OF ME

This is big. I'm going to let you have a glimpse into my heart.
The reason it's big is because I don't let others into my heart. I have a problem letting my husband, my best friend, my sisters, mom, you, into the heart of me. I normally put on the "If I was any better, I'd be twins." face to everyone or, "I'm fabulous!" when asked how I'm doing. I've had my moments of depression in the past before I got on the right dosage of the correct medication, but I can really only remember one that effected others; that I couldn't hide. In fact, it almost destroyed my relationship with my BFF because I wouldn't let her in.

So, like I said, I'm going to let you have a small glimpse into my heart. I may not post this, though. I use my blog as a journal of my life and my art and some short humorous stories, but I'm hoping that God lets me just write this and not share it with the world. Okay, maybe not the world. With my six readers.

I have a great sense of humor, I can be sarcastic, I can make you think I'm serious as can be the entire time I'm pranking you with a 'story', I have a passion for rescue animals, children living in poverty, God and my relationship with him, my boys, my family and the few friends that I allow close enough to be real friends, my art, my blog and JOY. I like to think that I'm a kind person because "nice" matters so much to me. I like to think that I can discern your pain and help you, love you and pray for you. I like to think that I look like Barbie and that I'm going to be 24 again on my next birthday. (that was one of those "stories". It's not true.). I like to think that I'm nice.
And, this is really important to me, I hope that you never realize how much physical pain I'm in every day, all day, 24/7; yeah, we're talking chronic pain.
Very few people in my life, maybe four, but I think it's three, before this post, have ever known when I'm experiencing "physical adventures". Of course, it's impossible to keep the hospital stays, near death experiences, surgeries, emergency surgeries, balding head and leg braces a secret! And, all of this has happened in the last six years.

Here's what happened recently that has given me pause. I can't get it off of my mind and I have felt God urging me to journal about it and hopefully that's all it will take for me to get past it and go on.
During a 'heated' discussion where I had questioned someone close to me about their response to something innocent and nice I relayed to them - I felt they were cruel in a comment they made to my message - and we had moved on to pain and how it effects one's outlook on life and I simply said, "I live with pain 24/7 and don't complain about it." The response I got to that comment was, "THAT'S WHY I TOLERATE YOU!!".

My jaw dropped.
I was speechless.
(I'm rarely speechless. I think the last time was when I thought there was a chance Obama's health plan might not make it.)
Their words cut through my heart in such a way that I was simply speechless. I couldn't have talked anyway, I was so choked up.

Is that what I am? Someone to tolerate because you feel sorry for me, you that know me? Is that what I am? .........Not feeling the love, I looked "tolerate" up in the thesaurus. Words that can be substituted are, "stand, bear, put up with, endure, stomach". I won't need therapy for this, but I can't remember the last time I was so hurt, so completely destroyed.

Words. They're so powerful. I can think of people that I know that I could destroy with words. It creeps me out just thinking about how much power my words could have on someone in a damaging way.
It might take me as long to get over those few words as it would to put toothpaste back in the tube once it's squeezed out. It's impossible to take back our words. Words are so powerful.
I know in my heart of hearts that they didn't mean what they said. But, I'm not foolish enough to think that it wasn't somewhere in their subconscious, lurking like some of my readers. I know this person loves me and I'll believe it by the end of the week. It will take some time and prayer for me to get completely past this - my sense of self worth was pretty much destroyed a long time ago by someone else close to me (see why I have issues?) though I've gotten past that for the most part through therapy. I still struggle with abandonment and trust issues.

Geez, I'm tellin' y'all way too much. This is the GET DOWN post. Maybe I'll start a trend and we'll all get real with each other instead of just showing our party faces and our glitter. Who knows?

I know that even I have hurt people's feelings with a sarcastic comment. I rarely, if ever, know it at the time it happens (that would be too easy); I learn about it later from someone else.
Gre-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-t. And when I do learn of it? It tears a new crack in my heart. I would never, ever, say something that would hurt someone; never intentionally. But I'm no different than Tolerate-head or you. We're human.

Perhaps God allowed this to happen so that I would be reminded to use kind words in all of my interactions with every person that crosses my path. Maybe he's arming me for a particular situation where I might be tempted to be anything but kind. Or maybe it's as simple as he wanted me to become more of a person to some of the dearest friends I have - y'all. No party face or glitter in this post, no sirree.

So, the next time you're tempted to strike out with a cruel word, maybe you'll remember this post and think twice. And, the next time someone crosses your path that you wouldn't necessarily speak to for whatever reason, try a kind word and see what happens. It may be that you say it at just the moment they need to hear it.

Warmly,
and I hope I'm not sorry I spilled my guts tomorrow because I'm feelin' the urgings of "Him" to post,

Jan