Saturday, March 27, 2010

I'M DEVASTATED & MY HEART IS BREAKING - I HOPE HAVING A GIVEAWAY WILL HELP

Just when I think I'm going to get a break
God throws me another life test.
I wonder how many I'll have to experience
before He thinks I'm all that I should be.
Actually, I know the answer to that.
It will be until the day I die and join him in Glory.

March of this year has been an adventure.
An adventure on top of five years of medical adventures.
(Don't age. It's not worth it.)
I long for April and tulips blooming.
April will be better even with a cast and
no weight on a leg instructions.
I long for April.


March. . . . .
I passed out and fractured several bones in my right foot and tibia.
That's adventure no. 1.


My studio has a mind of it's own
and is determined to keep that crack house persona.
That's adventure no. 2.


I checked a give-away today that I participated in;
it was so involved and so very time consuming.
I thought I would win something.
I didn't win squat.
That's adventure no. 3

Adventure no. 4??
We must have our most precious
 Ben put down in just a few days.
*Now I'm crying
and I didn't even cry in the hospital when
I found out that I couldn't be discharged until
I pooped.
And that took three delightful days.*
I digress. Back on point. . . 

You know Ben.
My studio dog.
Always by my side.
He never did learn that if he laid that close
to my chair that he'd be told to
"jump up" when I had to roll down my work table.
Up and down, up and down, all day.
Remembering that makes me smile.


He came to us from the Humane Society Animal Shelter.
When I adopted him, he had had heart worms twice.
He was adopted and returned twice
because his new owners thought he was too aggressive.
He was older, no longer a puppy.
He was a yellow lab mix.

I adopted him.
He isn't too aggresive.
The UPS man is afraid of him,
but I like that.
When he doesn't think I'm home
he'll throw my packages onto the
office porch if Ben's outside.
He doesn't know I've seen him do that.
That makes me smile as I cry.

Ben is very protective of me.
He loves me unconditionally.
He never judges me.
He always wants to be with me.
He's a dog, not a person, and that's why.
I wonder if
that make sense to anyone but me.

That's why I rescue shelter/abandoned/mistreated/etc. dogs.
And my beautiful master bedroom smells like a kennel.
I don't care because
they love me every day
all day
and all through the next day.

Ben is my dog.
He's always been "my" dog.
And early this week we have to have him put down.
I'm crying again.

He has been sick for a while now.
We knew something was wrong,
just not what.
He's going downhill so quickly now
that I constantly look at him
to see if he's breathing.


He has lymphoma.
"Oh, God", I cry
"my heart is breaking and I hurt so badly."
And, I wonder if Ben
hurts as much as I do.
Is he in pain?
His lymph nodes are enlarged.
He never whines.
But, he's not eating or drinking
much so I wonder
in my heart of hearts
if putting him down isn't the
best gift I can give him.

So, pray for me, won't you?


Okay. Deep breath.
So. I thought I'd have a giveaway
to take my mind off of things. *happy face*
I love to have giveaways and
I haven't had one in quite a while.
And, I'm going to make this really easy
so that lots of people will enter
without having to spend hours
jumping through hoops
in an effort to win my giveaway.


Claudine Hellmuth.
One of my artist queens.
I'm going to gift one special
reader of my blog, her amazing book,
Collage Discovery Workshop,
along with lots of treasures. Lots!


I ordered it 'specially for this giveaway.
I love this book and wasn't
willing to gift mine to anyone, so,
you're getting a new one.
It's a virgin and you don't find
many of those anymore.


All you have to do to enter is
to, well, enter. *smiley face*
If you want to start following my blog
because you read a couple of posts
and think it would be a good idea,
then I can't wait to get to know you.
If you want to be a fan of my blog
on facebook, I thank you.
If you want to sign up for
the newsletter that I have yet to start,
thanks.
If you say something about it
on your blog, let me know and
I'll throw in another entry for you.
If you buy something in my Etsy shop
then it will help me afford
to go junking when I'm allowed to walk
again.
See? it's all good.

Life is good and I am so blessed.
You have until April 1st to enter.
That's when the tulips will be blooming.

xoxo,
Jan

45 comments:

Terri Gordon said...

Oh Jan, I am so sorry to hear about all the troubles you are having. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am such an animal lover and my heart breaks for you. My dog is with me all the time and she is getting older too, I am so scared of her leaving me, she is such a part of my life. I hope April comes and is better to you. Hugs, Terri

Tracy Suzanne said...

Oh Dear Jan, it breaks my heart to hear about poor Ben and to think about you without him. Losing a beloved pet is so painful. We had a baby that we too got from the Human Society. We got her when she was approximately 6 months old and had been returned twice by the owners. She was the sweetest most wonderful dogs. She passed about 4 years ago after we had, had her for 15 years. She was a small (maybe 8 lbs) dog ad been so abused by the previous owners we could wave our hand, pick something up and many other things to fast or she would almost fall off the couch she was so scared. It took a few years but she did overcome it always gentle and sweet.

Oh dear, I'm off on my own stuff again. I just want you to know that I understand. I'm so sorry for all you've endured this month and you are in my prayers and will be again at bedtime.

Have a blessed and peaceful Sunday. You're in my heart...Tracy :)

Robin said...

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear about your dog....and all the other difficulties life seems to have thrown your way. I have you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that spring will bring you much happiness and joy!

Take Care - Robin

P.S. - I have the book so don't enter me in your giveaway!

Molly Alexander said...

My friend -

I am so sorry about Ben. I have a studio 'shadow' as well, and I can only imagine how crummy you are feeling right now.

I know that God builds our character through painful experiences, but honestly - I believe you already have SO MUCH character, and I'm going to start praying that God gives you a bit of a break one of these days...

I'm praying for you right now, and every day for that matter, and you are in my thoughts often.

Love, Molly

Debra@Common Ground said...

Jan dear, surely April will be a better month! I know how you feel about your little buddy. I still miss my faithful little kitty who was my shadow. It's been 2 1/2 years but I still think about her and miss her. How God blesses us with our furry little kids! Hope you're healing from your breaks. You're in my prayers. And I know about hospitals, blah, blah, blah.
OK, chin up sweetie, love you!
Debra

Debra@Common Ground said...

I'm putting your giveaway on my sidebar! Love ya!

Loudlife said...

Oh, Sweetie! My heart is breaking for you. What a tragedy when things are already so hard. Poor Ben, poor you. Give him a hug for me and get one from the Tank for yourself from me, too.

Love, love, love to you - Laurie

Angela Rae said...

Jan,
I'm sorry to hear about Ben. He sounds like a WONDERFUL dog and companion. He is lucky to have you and you've been lucky to have him..... take care of yourself!

Hugs and prayers,
Angela

Brandi @ Frugal Farmhouse said...

I just found your blog, but I am crying along with you. I recently (feb 12..but who's counting?) had to put down my cat that was 15 years old.. I was also devastated. I understand, Ben is not a dog, he is your best friend. Chelsi was my best friend, animals are so very special. honestly my dog and my cat mean more to me than anyone in my life..I truly truly am sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug :)

Canace said...

Oh Jan... I know your pain. I'm so sorry that you are facing the loss of your sweet Ben.

Those of us who give animals the same unconditional love that they give to us know no other pain that is worse.

My heart is with you when you give Ben his gift of peace. His memory will always be sweet.

*Healing Hugs*

Nancy said...

Dear Jan, I don't have a pet but after reading your post about how you got him and having him in your studio, it made me realize, in a non-pet-owner's way, what you must be feeling. I am so sad for you. I will lift you up in prayer and keep Ben in my thoughts. You too are in my thoughts with all the "stuff" you have been going through. Spring is here, more or less, so I hope that makes things a little cheerier for you at this time. Keep up the blogging cuz you make me laugh.... hugs from your younger sister's friend's older sister....Nancy

Nancy said...

My second comment of the morning Jan. First, I tried to email this but I could not get through by hitting your "email me" button.......probably something I did wrong or something with my email. Anyway, my comment (OK it's a question), is "Where do I click on your blog to enter your FanJanulous giveaway". I must be in stupid-mode this morning!!

Nancy

The Charm House said...

Jan, This is a wonderful giveaway book! I have it and love it. Just wanted to say I am sorry for the troubles you are going through. I have neuropathy and experience pain 24 hours a day and I have had this for almost 20 years. I don't understand why God will not heal me. But I know through ALL THINGS he pours out his blessings. Every morning I wake up I have to look for the good things that are coming out of my day to survive.
It's tough but I know that God has to be blessing me though it.
Hugs,
YVette

Diva Kreszl said...

oh sweet Jan, I am so sorry to hear about Ben :( I know how your heart must be breaking, try to remember all the wonderful moments you had with him and how blessed you were to have him in your life. He will always live in your heart. My prayers are going out to you today, may you feel the loving embrace of God's arms around you now and always.

SweetAnnee said...

Oh honey, I know how it hurts. We lost our Hannah last summer. It still hurts. She was such a good dog.

April will be better. It's almost my fave month.

and I'd be happy to win your give away.
Life has been quite challenging lately..we all need a happy time
Love ya

NicNacManiac said...

Oh sweet Jan...March will leave you and April will bring a wonderful angel to watch over you as he did when he was by your side! Life is not always fair and I know we must struggle sometimes...your kindness and continued strength will be with you through this difficult journey!
My thoughts are with you always...take care sweet friend!
Big Hugs xOxO Nerina

nancarts said...

Hello Jan...am so sorry about your doggie. I will remember you all in my prayers.
I have this book, and love it too.
Whoever wins will be very lucky.

Spring is a renewal of all things, and God is always there!

Smiles and Blessings,
Nancy C

Bettyann said...

Oh Jan, my heart breaks for you...you are the best girl...April/May will get better, fingers crossed...I am a follower...thanks for the fab giveaway even though you are hurting..Take care and lots of ((((hugs))))) to you !!!!

Linda B said...

Jan, I'm so sorry to hear about Ben. I give you a lot of credit for sharing your feelings with us and I really am keeping you in my prayers.

Julie Ann said...

Oh Jan :( I am so so sorry to hear about your baby Ben. It's so very difficult to see animals suffering because they can't stand up for themselves or tell you what hurts. I'm sure you know he is in a good and happy place where he's not in pain anymore, but there will always be a special place in your heart for him. When you sit down to create, he will be right there with you as your muse and companion. Love you girl and I hope the tulips bring happiness inside their blooms for you.

Fanciful Expressions said...

Jan, I'm so sorry about your poor doggie. My heart goes out to both you and him. I don't think there is anything thing harder to do than to release our very much loved sweet companions. I'm crying as I write this because I think of how much I miss my sweet Jake and Jasmine cats. It's been a year and a half that Jake has been gone and I still ache to cuddle him. He was my best buddy for almost 18 years.
I will pray for you everyday that things get better for you soon.
Hugs and blessings,
Carolyn

luvloveless said...

Oh, JT!! I have tears running down my face now. I'm so, so sorry to hear about Ben! I know how much you love your four-footed kids! I do hope April will be kinder to you. I think about you often and have been keeping you in my prayers. Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you!

Heather

Janera said...

I am so very sorry to read about your sweet Ben. I can relate, as we have had to say goodbye to three pets in the past two years. Too much!

Personally, I love the charming look of your studio. Why change it?

I've enjoyed being a new follower and reading past posts. Your blog blesses me and others.

Pam Warden Art said...

So sorry about your dog, I'm sure Sister will be a great comfort to you, and is already. You can count her as a rescue dog since you "rescued" her from the cold and snowy winters of Wisconsin.
Please enter me...you'll never have to turn one of my prints into a tag again then, I'll be able to do it myself. Enter me twice to save yourself the work, and....drum roll.... you know I'll be a better person if I win ;)
Hugs,
Pam

Debby said...

ECK!!!! I am so sorry sweetie. I don't know what to say, just know I am thinking about you and your sweet baby. Love yah and big hugs.
Debby

Country Wings in Phoenix said...

Oh Jan Sweetie...
I am your newest follower. I love your writings and your blog home is beautiful.

I am so deeply sorry about your precious Ben. He has the sweetest face, and such soft eyes. Our pets aren't just our pets they are our "FAMILY". They love us unconditionally and you loved him and took him in, when nobody else believed in him. He has loved you well sweetie, and he will continue to do so on the other side.

I am sorry to hear about your foot as well. Darn it, you just can't get a break? Woops, actually you did get a break and that is what got you into this mess. Sorry sweetie...

I am so tickled to see your future posts. I love to meet new people and visit new blogs. Please stop by and say hi. I would be so honored if you signed up to follow my blog as well.

Thanks again for the wonderful giveaway. Please enter my name. I would luuuvvvvv to win this book. You are so kind to offer this wonderful giveaway.

Have a beautiful week sweetie. Please keep us posted, and I will be sending up some prayers for you this week especially.

Country hugs...Sherry

Paula Clare said...

Hello dear sweet Jan!
I am SO SORRY to hear about your precious Ben...how heartbreaking to have to say goodbye. Praying for you...and thinking of you as spring continues to "spring forth!" Hugs and love,
paula Clare

debsea said...

dear friend jan ~ gosh i'm sorry about your ben, losing your best furry bud is a hard heartbreak to overcome. but, you loved him well i'm sure, and he knew it. duff & i will go out and play ball in bud's memory.
on a brighter note - awesome cast! i hope it's not hurting too badly.
and awesome giveaway, i love claudine but hadn't heard of this book.
the month is almost over, and you know what they say about march...in like a lion...
i'm going to sign of with best wishes, and spend the afternoon wondering how a broken foot and going poop are related, in medical terms....maybe the nurses just loved you and didn't want you to leave.
take good care.

Christy Laudig said...

Jan...I'm already a follower, and my heart is breaking for you. As I read your story, I relive my dear Humphrey's demise. He was 12 years old...a yellow lab...and pretty much went down the same path. I look at dear Ben and see my pup, and share your pain. But, I felt so much better in knowing that he would no longer suffer (even though it never seemed like he did).
Your idea for a Giveaway is great to take your mind off of things...and the way your wrote about your love for Ben is so endearing.

Hugs to you and Ben!

Lynn Richards said...

Oh, Sweet Friend,
You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I am so very sorry to hear about your loving dog, Ben. I ache with you.
lynn

alteredstatesstudio said...

oh, jan....i am soooo sorry to hear about ben! i know what a terribly painful experience that can be...we had a cat that had cancer that had to be put down about a year ago now...i couldn't pick up the kennel for about two weeks. i am sending prayers and hugs your way....kristin

Robin said...

Awwww mama sister girl, I am SO sorry.... I'm in Utah, not just down the road... I will hold you and Ben in my dreams until I hear from you again...
I know you are torn up and my measly prayers seem so little to offer... but I will...
Sending love to you!!!

luverlie said...

Oh my! You're preachin' to the choir sista! Preachin' to the choir.
My motto should be 'If it weren't for bad luck....."
Enuf of a pity party for 2.

So sorry to hear about your poor Ben.

But will leave you with "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb."

Hope April is much better for you.
luverlie@gmail.com

Andrea Cunningham said...

I am praying for you and Ben. I am also crying for you and Ben. Animals are the best....choking up now.
anyway, i am praying for you regularly.
xoxo
andrea

Maura said...

I have been there and I know how you feel. We adopt dogs the same way and for the same reasons you do. It is never easy to say good-bye to them. But we are richer for having had them love us with all our faults in the same way our Father in Heaven does. XOXOX

The Paper Princess said...

Dear Jan,

My heart was just breaking for you as I was reading your post, especially when I got to your dog. I am praying that God gives you strength and that things look up for you soon!

Thank you for offering this wonderful gift. Please enter me twice - I have added it on my sidebar at Create With Joy to share with my readers as well!

Please come visit me when you can - perhaps my boys will bring a smile to your face!

Hugs
Ramona
http://create-with-joy.blogspot.com

Mad Red Hare said...

Dear Jan, I am so sorry to hear about Ben. I will be thinking of you. I too rescued a greyhound who had been returned 3 times. I had him less than 3 years and he died unexpectedly. I was devastated, he was my heart dog. You will always have your memories until you meet again.

Lee W. said...

Best wishes for for a springtime of health and healing and loving memories of your buddy, Ben. - Lee

Patty said...

Looks like you're being hit with a lot of trials, hope everything gets better soon!

Carol Mae said...

Hi Jan, Sorry about all your trials, I hope things turn around for you. Love your giveaway, I'm a new follower and enjoy your blog. Please count me in. Smiles, Carol Mae

she dreams big! said...

I cried while I read this post and feel for you, truly. Like so many others, I have gone through the agony of losing a beloved pet but never again. My heart can't take it! God bless you for sheltering abandoned animals! Here's hoping your April is better than your March!

Shelly said...

Dear Jan,

I'm new to your blog, and I'm sorry to hear about all that's going on right now!

There is an expression,

"I know God won't give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't have such faith in me."

I'm so so sorry about your wonderful furry friend. It is SO hard because who else loves us like that, warts, bad breath and all?

Being the animal lover that you are, you are probably familiar with the "Rainbow Bridge Poem." Even if you are, it might offer some solace to read it again. Here's a link to the poem

http://www.rainbowbridge.com/poem.htm

You are in my thoughts and I'm GLAD I found your blog, inspite of the circumstances! I'll be following

Big Hugs!
Shell

Pattyjo said...

I am sorry you are going through such hard times. I know how you feel, because I have been there so many times, times I was sure I could not go another day. God is so good to us and will not forsake us. The Bible says to glorify Him in ALL things...good or bad. If you want to hear about some bad times, let me know. LOL
Please add my name to the hat for your great give away and keep your eyes looking up.
Pattyjo

Grandma Yellow Hair said...

I am probably to late for the giveaway but thats okay because the main thing is I found you.
So very sorry to read about your poor darling Ben...how they are such a part of our families. I am crying for him and did not know him but what a precious friend he was to you.
Your site is awesome and I am looking forward to being a friend and visiting you when I can
Take care and again I am sorry
I will try also to add you to facebook but I am not good at that
Maggie

Debbie said...

Dear Jan - I just want to let you know that I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless!e

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